Every relationship has an argument. Period. Sentence ends. If you don’t argue on occasion, your relationship is probably not as vibrant as it might be. But that’s a discussion for another day.
The problem that most couples face is not the conflict itself, but rather the mending.
If you’re curious about the nature of your relationship, check out our article about the different types of relationships and how to deal with them.
What exactly is a repair?
Consider this.
You and your partner argue on what you should do this weekend.
One of you wants to stay in while the other wants to go out (whatever that antiquated statement means to you).
You are unable to reach an agreement. There is some yelling. Some people smashed doors. Feelings are wounded, and you each retreat into your own corner to lick your wounds.
All couples argue
That has already been established. The major distinction between thriving and struggling relationships is that thriving couples know how to repair.
Sure, all couples quarrel, but those who know how to reconcile or make-up will utilize their disagreements to strengthen and link their relationship. They will be more vulnerable with one another.
7 Key Principles To Talk To Him After an Argument:
- Confirm that you are inside your tolerance window.
- Check in with your partner
- Accept responsibility for your role in the situation
- Find out what your spouse needs to hear in order to go ahead.
- Tell your partner precisely what they need to hear.
- Finally, tell your lover what you require to hear.
- Discuss your differences in order to better understand yourself and others.
I want my partner to initiate the conversation.
This is something I frequently hear from couples I deal with. They expect their spouse to make the first move, whether it’s due to ego, toxic masculinity, or suffering. If both parties wait for the other to act first, it might be a very long stalemate.
You both lose if you wait for your lover to make the initial move. It makes no difference who initiated the quarrel; any of you can put a stop to it.
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I’m at a loss for words.
You can begin with I apologize. What you say isn’t always as essential as how you say it. After you’ve calmed down, reach out to your partner and let them know you’re ready to proceed. Check in with them to determine whether they’re in a good frame of mind to discuss the argument.
Engage in a healing conversation
What exactly do I mean by “healing conversation”?
This is a catch-all phrase for a talk in which you confront the hurt generated by the conflict and utilize the pain to bring you closer together.
There is no one-size-fits-all method to a healing talk, but there are certain guidelines to assist guide you in reconciling after an argument. If the conflict is over something more serious, such as treachery, it may need more than one conversation.
How does that appear?
Consider the preceding case, in which a couple has various intentions for their joint weekend.
Assume the discussion deteriorated into accusations, blame, and criticism. Some others raised their voices and uttered hurtful things. Although one individual initiated the escalation, both parties ultimately lose.
If you’re ready to start repairing, here are some guidelines to follow.
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The guidelines for having a healing talk following an argument
- Confirm that you are inside your tolerance window. Dan Siegel, a brain researcher, coined this phrase to explain the ideal zone in which humans can withstand uncomfortable interactions. If you imagine a bell curve, the window of tolerance is the midway zone when you’re not too overwhelmed or tuned out and can stay involved with your spouse. This zone is unique to each of us, and if you find yourself outside of it, it’s time to take a break and relax.
- Communicate with your partner. Once you’ve determined that you’re inside your tolerance range, check in with your spouse to see whether they’re ready to discuss the argument yet. It’s meaningless to try to have a therapeutic dialogue if either of you is out of your comfort zone. Everyone is different, and although it may take you fifteen minutes to calm down, your spouse may require several hours. For it to work, you must both be prepared to repair. Learn about the terrible communication mistakes you need to avoid in a relationship.
- Accept responsibility for your role in it. Consider your role in the argument once you’ve had some time to calm down and enter the zone of tolerance. There’s a good chance you did anything to spark or escalate the argument. If you can accept responsibility for your role, that’s a terrific beginning to start a healing dialogue.
- Find out what your partner needs to hear in order to go ahead. You may check in with your spouse and ask exactly what they need to hear to move on if you start the conversation by accepting responsibility for your part in it. They are likely to have had a very different experience of the conflict than you, but by focusing on what they need to hear, you can concentrate the healing talk.
- Tell your partner exactly what they need to hear. Even if you disagree with your partner’s request, express it regardless. You don’t have to really believe it, but as long as what they’re asking for is acceptable, practice expressing what they need to hear. The goal of this is for everyone of you to get very clear about what was at the root of your argument.
- Then tell your lover what you require. Now that you’ve responded to your partner’s needs, think about what you need to hear in order for the talk to be therapeutic for you. Instead of attacking or blaming your spouse, explain what was hurting from your perspective and ask for what you require.
- Discuss your differences in order to better understand yourself and others. You and your spouse are likely to have had opposing viewpoints, needs, and desires as a result of the argument. Instead of dividing you, use your differences to bring you closer together.
In conclusion
If you get stopped anytime along the way, seek the assistance of a couples therapist.
Most of us were not taught how to repair disagreements in a constructive manner. To be honest, most of us did not have the finest models of what successful relationships can be.
Yes, there is a stigma associated with receiving mental health treatment, but your relationship is worth it. Remember that a divorce or break-up is far more traumatic and costly than attending a couples therapist.
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