Do you find yourself in a scenario where you’re seeing someone but it’s not quite a relationship? You and your partner enjoy each other’s company and may even be intimate, but you haven’t made a commitment to each other or discussed a future together. When someone asks if you’re seeing someone, you never know what to respond, and “it’s complicated” is the only proper response.
If so, you may be in a “situationship,” which is effectively a relationship without any commitment, according to clinical psychologist and Cornell University professor Mark Travers, Ph.D. He claims that this arrangement allows people to enjoy the benefits of both being in a relationship and being single at the same time.
This article discusses the qualities of a situationship, its advantages and disadvantages, and the next steps you can take.
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Symptoms of a Situationship (and Red Flags)
A situationship has the following characteristics:
1) Your relationship is hard to define
You and your partner may not have had the “What are we?” dialogue to define the relationship, set expectations, and identify boundaries. It may feel too soon to bring up the subject, or you may not feel comfortable doing so.
2) There is no consistency
According to Dr. Travers, a lack of consistency is a big indicator that you are in a situationship. It might be difficult to predict when you’ll see your partner next, how long it will take them to answer to a text, or whether they will make the effort to reach out.
3) There’s no talk about the future
People in a relationship may prepare for the future in some way, whether it’s attending an event in the near future or making long-term plans to settle down and start a family. There is usually no talk of the future in a situationship.
4) Connection is quite superficial
Even if you and your partner spend time together and are intimate, you may not have created a strong emotional connection. According to Dr. Travers, the conversation may be superficial, and you may realize that your lover never asks you personal questions.
5) It’s a convenience-based relationship
You and your partner may not prioritize each other or go out of your way to see each other; instead, you may make spur-of-the-moment plans based on convenience, such as if you have a gap in your schedule or if something else doesn’t work out.
6) There’s no exclusivity
You and your partner may not have addressed exclusivity, and one or both of you may be seeing other people.
7) There’s not much follow-up
You and your partner may be in “relationship mode” when you’re together, but when you’re away, you may revert to “casual mode” through text or phone, according to Dr. Travers. According to him, you may notice that your partner does not take much initiative or follow-up with you on chats or plans.
8) You know almost nothing about them
In the end, we enter a relationship because we like this person and want to learn everything we can about them. Not only that, but we can’t stop talking about them with our closest friends. If you can’t answer the most basic inquiries about your partner, you’re in a situationship.
9) You end up doing the same things when you meet up
When we date someone we are excited to be with, we want to share new experiences with them. There is no need to adjust our experiences if the reason for visiting that individual is to fulfill a different desire. The most obvious example is sex, but people get into a situationship for a variety of reasons.
Situationships are less demanding than full-fledged relationships, yet they still provide intimacy and someone with whom to hook up.
10) You don’t communicate on social media
While relationships are not kept secret, they are also not aired to the public. As a result, you won’t uncover much proof of partner talks or exchanges on social media. The majority of contact will take the form of text messages or phone calls.
For starters, it is faster because you know your partner will answer quickly to a text or phone call. Another issue is that many persons in situationships do not want to go through the effort of explaining their relationship to acquaintances or family members.
11) You don’t hear from them for days or weeks at a time
No one wants to be inundated with texts and phone calls; it screams desperation. But it’s strange to go weeks without saying anything, isn’t it? Not if you’re in a situationship. That is the entire purpose of situationships. You only make a commitment when it is convenient for you.
Maybe you only hear from them when they need something from you, and it’s not always sex. They could be bored or lonely and miss the friendliness of your relationship.
12) You are anxious about the relationship
Healthy partnerships boost your confidence and self-esteem. They should be loving, positive, and uplifting by nature. When you think of your loved one, you should be filled with excitement and delight. Okay, I may have gone a bit too far, but one thing you should not be is nervous. You’re worried about when you’ll see or hear from them.
Concerned about whether or not they are seeing someone else. When you haven’t heard from them in weeks, you’re worried about what they’re up to. That indicates an unhealthy situation.
The Benefits and Drawbacks of a Situationship
According to Dr. Travers, these are some of the benefits and drawbacks of a relationship.
The Benefits of a Situationship
The most significant benefit of a situationship is that there is less accountability. Relationships can sap a great deal of emotional energy.
People who prefer situationships are those who seek emotional connection and intimacy with a lover in a segmented manner. They can have emotional presence and connection when they are together, but they can also have their freedom when they are apart.
If both partners are on the same page, a situationship can be an enjoyable, stress-free way to experience the benefits of a relationship without a huge emotional commitment.
The Drawbacks of a Situationship
The fact that each partner may have different expectations for the relationship is a significant disadvantage of a situationship.
Even if both couples agree on the dynamics when they first meet, one person may develop to demand more from the relationship than the other is ready to provide.
It can also be frustrating to be in a relationship that lacks stability or consistency, especially if you begin to build expectations of your partner but they refuse to commit.
Relationship status can also influence your identity and social dynamics; there may be instances when not having a committed partner makes you feel inadequate.
Situationship Effects on Your Mental Health
Both parties may be dishonest about what they expect from the partnership. Typically, one person is pleased with the informal nature of the relationship, while the other hopes for something more.
The mental health implications for the individual desiring more can be enormous, as they may begin to combine their feeling of self-worth with getting the approval of the other person.
Furthermore, because situationships are typically superficial, the partner desiring more usually does not know the other person well, causing them to idealize their partner and, as a result, despise themselves.
People who find themselves in these types of relationships frequently struggle with self-worth and are drawn to partners who make them believe they must earn love.
How to Handle a Situationship
Dr. Travers offers some recommendations that may be useful if you are in a situationship:
- Be truthful about your feelings: It is critical to be truthful with yourself and to be clear about your intentions for the relationship.
- Ask for what you want: If you’re looking for a more serious connection, consider expressing your feelings for the person and asking for what you want. Either they share your feelings and want to pursue a more serious relationship with you, or they do not, and you can move on to find someone who does. It is always preferable to have an answer since it allows you to proceed.
- Avoid a passive approach: If you want more than a casual relationship from the other person, the passive approach you’re taking may be more destructive than you think. Spending time without expressing your intentions or demands promotes the idea that you still have a chance, but it accomplishes little to change your circumstances.
- Communicate where you are: If you are in a situationship and are actually happy with it, it is critical that you successfully communicate this to your partner. Communicate your needs, boundaries, and expectations from the start to avoid future damaged feelings.
Conclusion
A situationship is a casual, undefined, and non-committal relationship. If that’s what you’re searching for right now, it can provide you with the opportunity to reap the rewards of a relationship without exerting too much emotional energy.
A situationship, on the other hand, can be a challenging place to be if you’re hoping for a serious relationship. The lack of stability and consistency can be frustrating, and if you start to form expectations, you may be disappointed.
In any case, talk with your partner and let them know what you want so you can make sure you’re both on the same page.
You think about him all the time, but he thinks only about himself?
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.
He needs to be understood in his own way.
You’ll find there’s a subtle thing you can say to him that will dramatically change how he shows his emotions towards you once you do that.
Learn how to become his top priority in this free video by Relationship Psychologist James Bauer.
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