Let’s just say it: I used to joke that I was dating the same guy in different shoes.
Eventually, I had to ask myself—why do you keep attracting the same type of men, even when you know better?
One was a musician who ghosted me mid-burrito.
Another? A “deep thinker” who made me cry in the Ikea parking lot because I asked about emotional intimacy.
The packaging changed—but the pattern? The same.
And I’ve got a wild little story about an espresso machine, a guy named Marc, and the pattern that changed my love life.
Let’s pull back the curtain on what’s really going on.
Short on time? Don’t miss this guide to getting a man to chase you, at any stage of love.
Top Takeaways
Before we go deeper, here are 5 truth bombs about your love life you’ll want to tattoo on your heart.
- Emotional familiarity isn’t love — Your body confuses past pain with passion, keeping you stuck chasing the same cold types.
- Your beliefs shape your attraction — The kind of guy you magnetize reflects what you secretly think you deserve in love.
- You’re not addicted to him—you’re addicted to the fix — Repetition compulsion makes drama feel like chemistry, not dysfunction.
- My personal take — Dating Marc was like craving espresso from a broken machine: comforting, familiar, and still disappointing.
- Attachment styles script your love life — Until you rewrite them, they silently dictate your dating decisions and emotional triggers.
The Hidden Pattern: Familiarity Over Compatibility
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung
This quote? It stopped me mid-scroll when I first read it.
Because that’s exactly what I’d been doing.
You wonder why you keep attracting the same type of men—but it’s not because you’re clueless.
We don’t keep falling for the same type of guy because we’re clueless—we do it because it feels like home.
Emotional familiarity.
Not actual compatibility.
If your childhood experiences involved unpredictability, lack of affection, or emotional distance, chances are your nervous system thinks that’s love.
That’s how patterns form.
I once dated a guy who reminded me so much of my father in childhood that it was scary—withdrawn, busy, polite on the outside, emotionally miles away.
Guess what?
I bent over backwards to prove I was lovable.
Just like I did at eight.
Here’s the kicker: the nervous system doesn’t care if it’s a healthy adult relationship.
It just wants what feels known.
And that’s why most of us mistake strong feelings for strong compatibility.
Tip: If love feels like an emotional rollercoaster, check if you’ve confused intensity with intimacy.
The Mirror Effect: Attracting What Reflects Us
Ever heard the phrase “your vibe attracts your tribe”?
Corny, I know—but there’s truth there.
We tend to attract partners who reflect our own emotional frequency.
Not because we’re doing something wrong—but because we’re not always conscious of what we believe we deserve.
In psychology, this is called “self-verification theory.”
We subconsciously seek people who match our own self-perception—even if it’s a warped one.
Let’s say you secretly believe you’re too much, too emotional, too needy.
You’re likely to end up with someone who confirms that belief.
Maybe a guy who pulls away when you express a need.
Or someone who mocks your depth.
Been there?
I have.
And when that happens, the toxic cycle of proving our worth kicks in—especially for women with unhealed childhood wounds.
This is one reason I love helping women identify their own patterns, not just spot red flags in others.
If you’re stuck in an inconsistent pattern, it’s time to pause and ask: what’s he mirroring—and why are you still drawn to it, even when it feels off?
That’s especially true if you’ve found yourself attracted to unavailable men (yes, even the married ones—don’t worry, I won’t judge).
Also—don’t miss this piece on the secret most women don’t know about men’s primal instincts.
It helped me connect so many dots around attraction I never saw before.
Tip: The kind of person you attract often mirrors the beliefs you hold about your own worth.
Repetition Compulsion: Seeking Familiar Pain
Here’s the espresso machine story I teased you with.
Years ago, I was living in Rome and seeing this guy—Marc.
Handsome, magnetic, always had some new idea or project he was “about to launch.”
Never followed through.
He’d make me feel like I was the most fascinating woman alive.
Then vanish for five days.
And I’d spend those five days analyzing every word he said, wondering if he secretly cared but just didn’t show it—sound familiar?
It’s the kind of thing that makes you seriously ask yourself why you keep attracting the same type of men who disappear once you open your heart.
He once told me I was “overreacting” because I texted to ask if he was okay.
After a teary phone call with my best friend (bless you, Giulia), I realized something chilling: I didn’t even like Marc.
I liked the chase.
The validation.
The hope that this time, the guy would stay.
That’s when I learned about repetition compulsion—a psychological drive where we unconsciously recreate unresolved pain, hoping to rewrite the ending.
That pattern cost me years of my life.
When I finally broke it?
It started with reworking my inner beliefs—and yes, real help.
One thing that truly changed the game?
A free instructional video that explains why women like us attract emotionally unavailable men without realizing it.
It’s not fluff—it’s the #1 thing I recommend if you want clarity without expensive coaching or confusing dating advice.
Tip: If the drama feels familiar, it’s likely linked to a pain you haven’t fully processed yet.
The Role of Attachment Styles
If you’re wondering why your dating history feels like a glitchy Netflix rerun, buckle up—because this one hits home.
One reason why you keep attracting the same type of men might be hiding in plain sight: Your attachment style.
Shaped during your earliest experiences in childhood, can quietly control your entire dating process.
Think of it like the invisible script running in the background of your love life.
Here’s the short version:
Anxious attachment? You might chase after emotionally distant partners.
Avoidant? You attract people who want connection, but it feels smothering.
Secure? You probably aren’t Googling articles like this.
I was mostly anxious.
I’d text him first, second, and seventh.
I’d try to “fix” toxic behaviors, over-explain my feelings, and settle for crumbs just to avoid being alone.
One ex even joked I was “like a love detective.”
(He meant it as an insult, but honestly? I kind of was.)
Recognizing your style helps you stop blaming yourself—and start changing the script.
Want to see how this affects your ability to attract a high-quality man who actually sticks around?
You’ll love this breakdown of how women like you unknowingly repel the right kind of partner, here.
Tip: Your attachment style isn’t a life sentence—it’s just a starting point for your healing journey.
Breaking the Cycle: Practical Steps That Actually Work
Okay, so you’re self-aware.
You’ve spotted the negative patterns.
But how do you stop repeating them?
Here’s what I’ve seen work (personally and for the hundreds of women I’ve worked with or interviewed over the years):
1. Get brutally honest with yourself.
Start journaling after every dating experience.
Look for common threads—not just in them, but in how you react.
What makes you chase?
What makes you shrink?
2. Set non-negotiables.
These aren’t just about red flags.
They’re about the life partner you want to build something with.
If you don’t want someone emotionally unavailable, don’t entertain men who “don’t do labels.”
3. Practice feminine energy that’s rooted in confidence.
This isn’t about playing dumb or being passive.
It’s about receiving, relaxing into your worth, and letting the right men rise to meet you.
(This shift alone changed my entire vibration frequency.)
4. Use tools that actually help.
If your emotional experiences are more complex—or you’re stuck in a bad man cycle—you need more than journaling.
You need perspective.
And sometimes? You need a pro.
That’s where my go-to resource comes in.
If you’ve ever felt like therapy’s too slow or dating advice too fluffy, I highly recommend trying Relationship Hero 👈
It’s one of the fastest ways I’ve seen women completely shift how they show up in romantic relationships—without blowing their budget or wasting time.
You just take a quick quiz and get instantly matched with a coach who gets what you’re going through.
Tip: Baby steps are powerful—but the right support system is what accelerates lasting change.
Internal Fix First, External Results Second
Let’s address something spicy.
You want to know why you keep attracting the same type of men?
It’s probably not about “the type of guy” you go for.
Most of the time?
It’s about the choice of person we believe will complete a story we’ve already written in our heads.
Not about better flirting tips or having perfect makeup.
It’s about transforming your conscious beliefs around what love should feel like.
And trusting that you don’t have to earn it.
When I started doing that?
My whole energy shifted.
I didn’t feel the urge to prove myself.
My boundaries got stronger.
And—here’s the fun part—good men noticed.
If you’re still doubting this, take a peek at how to be more attractive to men, right here.
You’ll never look at “attraction” the same way again.
Oh—and remember those warning signs you always used to miss?
They become crystal clear once you stop chasing unavailable energy.
Tip: The goal of life isn’t to be chosen—it’s to know you’re already enough, and act like it.
You’re Not Repeating the Past—You’re Rewriting It
Here’s what I hope this leaves you with:
You’re not broken.
You’re not “too much.”
And you’re definitely not doomed to attract the same type of men forever.
You’re human—with a mix of childhood programming, deep beliefs, and a heart that’s still learning how to tell the difference between familiarity and connection.
But awareness is everything.
The minute you spot the pattern, you get the power to change it.
And the more you choose differently—baby step by baby step—the more magnetic you become.
Not to everyone, but to the right ones.
The ones who recognize a woman who values herself.
If you’re still feeling stuck or unsure where to begin, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Sometimes the most healing move is having a single, honest, eye-opening conversation with someone who gets it.
I always recommend Relationship Hero to readers ready for real results without therapy marathons or endless guesswork.
You deserve a love story that feels safe, deep, and genuinely exciting.
And that begins the moment you stop repeating—and start choosing.
Tip: The most powerful shift isn’t finding a new type of man—it’s becoming a woman who no longer entertains anything less than real love.
