If you tend to avoid emotional closeness with your romantic partners, you may have an avoidant attachment style.
This type of attachment style is a pattern of behavior that develops in childhood as a response to inconsistent or unavailable primary caretakers.
According to attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, there are three main insecure attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, and ambivalent, as well as one secure attachment style.
People with avoidant attachment style tend to have difficulty with emotional experiences and desire for closeness in adult relationships.
They often have strong boundaries and prefer casual relationships over intimate ones. This attachment style can be divided into two subtypes: dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant.
Dismissive-avoidant individuals tend to suppress their emotions and avoid close relationships, while fearful-avoidant people desire closeness but fear rejection and abandonment.
Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that attachment styles can have a significant impact on mental health and emotional intelligence.
While avoidant attachment style may provide a sense of security in difficult situations, it can also lead to negative patterns of behavior and a lack of human connection.
Learning about attachment theory and developing healthy boundaries can help avoidant individuals form secure relationships and improve their overall well-being.
If you’re curious about the nature of your relationship, check out our article about the different types of relationships and how to deal with them.
What’s an avoidant attachment style?
Attachment theory explains how our early experiences with primary caretakers shape our attachment style, which is our emotional bond with romantic partners in adulthood.
The avoidant attachment style is one of the three insecure attachment styles, along with the anxious and disorganized attachment styles.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid emotional closeness and intimacy with their romantic partners.
Overview of Attachment Theory
Attachment theory suggests that our attachment style is formed during our early childhood experiences with our primary caretakers.
Bowlby argued that infants have an innate need to seek proximity to their caregivers when they feel threatened or distressed.
Ainsworth’s Strange Situation experiment identified three attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant.
Later, researchers added a fourth attachment style, fearful-avoidant, to the four-category model.
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Where Does the Avoidant Attachment Style Come From?
Children with avoidant attachment style often have parents who are emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or intrusive.
These parents may discourage their children from expressing their emotions and needs, which may lead to the development of avoidant behavior.
Avoidant children learn that they cannot rely on their primary caretakers to meet their emotional needs, so they suppress their emotions and develop a sense of independence.
Relationship traits associated with avoidant attachment
Adults with avoidant attachment style tend to have difficulty with emotional closeness and intimacy in romantic relationships.
They may avoid commitment, fear vulnerability, and prefer casual relationships.
Avoidant partners may withdraw emotionally or physically when their partner tries to get close to them.
They may also have strong boundaries and avoid sharing their emotional experiences with their partners.
Avoidant behavior can negatively affect the quality of the relationship and lead to feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction.
According to a Psychological study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, avoidant individuals may have lower levels of emotional intelligence and mental health compared to secure individuals.
However, it is important to note that not all avoidant people have the same level of avoidant behavior, and some may develop healthy boundaries and desire for closeness in their relationships with secure partners.
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The Challenges Facing People with an Avoidant Attachment Style in Romantic Relationships
People with an avoidant attachment style struggle with forming and maintaining emotional connections with their romantic partners.
This can lead to difficulties in relationships and cause emotional pain for both partners.
Inability to Connect Emotionally
Due to their fear of emotional closeness, avoidant individuals may struggle with expressing their feelings and connecting with their partners on an emotional level.
This can lead to a lack of intimacy and emotional distance in the relationship.
As an avoidant partner, you may find it challenging to express your emotions and may feel uncomfortable when your partner expresses theirs.
This can lead to misunderstandings and a lack of emotional connection, which can cause your partner to feel neglected and unimportant.
Fear of Intimacy and Vulnerability
Avoidant individuals may also struggle with being vulnerable and opening up to their partners.
This fear of intimacy can lead to a lack of trust in the relationship and can cause your partner to feel rejected and unloved.
As an avoidant partner, you may feel uncomfortable with the idea of being vulnerable and may avoid sharing personal information with your partner.
This can lead to your partner feeling like they don’t really know you and can cause them to feel like they are not important to you.
Difficulty Understanding Partner’s Needs and Expectations
Due to their focus on independence and self-sufficiency, avoidant individuals may struggle with understanding their partner’s needs and expectations in the relationship.
This can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in the relationship.
As an avoidant partner, you may find it challenging to understand your partner’s emotional needs and may struggle with meeting those needs.
This can cause your partner to feel like their needs are not being met and can lead to feelings of frustration and disappointment.
Overall, having an avoidant attachment style can make it challenging to form and maintain healthy and fulfilling romantic relationships.
By recognizing the challenges you face and working to overcome them, you can improve your relationships and develop a stronger sense of emotional connection with your partner.
Effects of an Avoidant Attachment on Partners in a Relationship
Feeling Unappreciated, Unimportant, and Ignored by their Partner
Having an avoidant partner can be challenging, especially if you have a secure or anxious attachment style.
Avoidant partners tend to prioritize their own needs and independence over their partner’s emotional experiences, leading to feelings of unappreciation, unimportance, and being ignored.
You may feel like your partner doesn’t care about your emotional needs or doesn’t value your contributions to the relationship.
This can lead to resentment, frustration, and a sense of loneliness, even when you’re in a committed relationship.
Struggling to Feel Secure in the Relationship
Another effect of an avoidant attachment style on partners is the struggle to feel secure in the relationship.
Avoidant partners tend to avoid emotional closeness and may withdraw or shut down when faced with difficult or stressful situations.
This can leave their partner feeling uncertain about the relationship’s future and questioning whether their partner truly cares about them.
You may find yourself constantly seeking reassurance or trying to prove your worth to your avoidant partner, which can lead to an unhealthy dynamic.
It’s important to recognize that your partner’s avoidant behavior is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person.
However, it’s also important to set healthy boundaries and communicate your needs to your partner.
If your partner is unwilling or unable to meet your emotional needs, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Research suggests that 50 to 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style, so there’s a good chance of finding a romantic partner who can help you overcome your insecurities.
Source: helpguide.org
Getting over an avoidant attachment style in a relationship
If you have an avoidant attachment style, it can be challenging to form and maintain healthy romantic relationships.
However, it is possible to overcome this pattern of behavior and develop a more secure attachment style.
Here are some tips to help you overcome your avoidant attachment style and build stronger emotional connections with your romantic partner:
1. Recognizing the Problematic Pattern of Behavior within Yourself
The first step in overcoming an avoidant attachment style is to recognize the problematic patterns of behavior within yourself.
This means acknowledging that you tend to avoid emotional closeness and intimacy with your romantic partner.
It also means recognizing that this pattern of behavior can be harmful to your relationship and your mental health.
Consider reflecting on your past relationships and identifying patterns of behavior that may have contributed to their failure.
Ask yourself if you tend to push your partner away when they get too close, or if you struggle to express your emotions and needs in a relationship.
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2. Being Open and Honest About Your Feelings With Your Partner
Once you have recognized the problematic patterns of behavior within yourself, it is important to be open and honest about your feelings with your partner.
This means communicating your needs and desires in a clear and direct manner.
It can be challenging to open up and be vulnerable, especially if you have a history of avoiding emotional closeness.
However, being honest with your partner can help build trust and strengthen your emotional bond.
3. Making an Effort to Connect Emotionally with Your Partner
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may struggle to connect emotionally with your partner.
However, making an effort to connect emotionally can help strengthen your relationship and build a more secure attachment style.
Consider spending quality time with your partner and engaging in activities that promote emotional intimacy, such as sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other or engaging in physical touch.
4. Learning to Listen and Respect Your Partner’s Needs and Expectations
Finally, it is important to learn to listen and respect your partner’s needs and expectations.
This means being willing to compromise and make adjustments to your behavior to accommodate your partner’s needs.
It can be challenging to let go of your avoidant behavior and make changes to your attachment style.
However, with effort and practice, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment style and build healthier, more fulfilling romantic relationships.
Conclusion
Understanding attachment theory is crucial to developing healthy relationships.
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s research on attachment styles has shown that attachment patterns established in childhood can continue into adulthood and affect adult relationships.
People with avoidant attachment styles tend to struggle with emotional closeness and may avoid intimacy in romantic relationships.
It is important to recognize avoidant behavior in yourself or your partner and work towards developing a more secure attachment style.
This can involve seeking therapy, practicing emotional intelligence, and setting healthy boundaries.
Remember that attachment styles are not set in stone and can be changed with effort and self-awareness.
While it is important to strive for secure attachment, it is also important to recognize that not all relationships are meant to be long-term or intimate.
Casual relationships can be fulfilling for avoidant individuals, as long as both partners are on the same page and have clear communication about their expectations.
Overall, attachment theory provides a valuable framework for understanding human connection and patterns of behavior in relationships.
By recognizing your own attachment style and working towards a more secure attachment, you can improve your mental health and build stronger, healthier relationships.
Healing from Avoidant Attachment Style? Speak to a Therapist Now
Adults may benefit from attachment-based therapy to address their attachment style, understand their childhood experiences, and build healing connections with individuals they care about. Families with children may also be able to benefit from attachment-based therapy.
If you’re interested in this sort of treatment, try reaching out to a therapist specializing in attachment theory to learn more about your options and receive empathetic assistance.
Because of the lower cost, better convenience, and flexible scheduling methods, more people are turning to virtual therapy platforms like BetterHelp to seek treatment for mental heal concerns. Via the site, you may make your own schedule and pick between phone, video, and live chat sessions.
In addition to the advantages of online counseling, you may find it to be more beneficial than in-person counselling. According to one study, 71% of participants favored internet-based therapy approaches over traditional ones, and some reported improved quality of life and symptom reduction.
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