Which Attachment Styles Work Best Together? The Most Compatible Matches

A number of people have asked me which attachment styles pair best with each other. I am happy to announce that the moment you have all been waiting for has finally arrived!

We identified the different attachment styles described by R. Chris Fraley, PhD of the University of Illinois’ Department of Psychology, as well as their varying relationship demands.

Going through and understanding the various needs is beneficial and provides us with valuable insight into why some styles work better together than others.

I encourage all of you to take a deep breath before you panic and think that I am going to condemn your current relationship. You can use these guidelines to be aware and to gain a better understanding of your relationship. As a result, you will be able to select your partner with greater awareness. 

If you are already dating or married, however, it will help you understand the dynamics of your relationship in a fresh light. In any case,

I hope this post helps you avoid breakdowns and distance in your relationship and guarantee that both of your needs are satisfied.

If you’re curious about the nature of your relationship, check out our article about the different types of relationships and how to deal with them.

Attachment Styles That Work Best Together

I’m sure you guessed that pairing two secure couples would result in a good relationship, and you are correct! They are both open to intimacy and have excellent communication skills. They have a secure perception of themselves and their relationship, which aids in the elimination of defensiveness and blaming.

That all sounds great, but what if you don’t have a secure attachment style? Is it possible for you to have a secure relationship? Absolutely! I can’t wait to tell you how! When insecure attachment styles pair with securely attached mates, something truly interesting happens.

It’s known as the secure buffering effect (or “relationship buffering” in psychology). That is, the security of a secure couple frequently develops the insecure partner towards a more secure position.

The attentiveness and support of the secure spouse actually helps to develop relationship stability! So much so that there is no discernible difference between secure and “mixed” marriages. Isn’t it fascinating? You can see why secure partners are regarded as super-mates now!

Here’s a rundown of the most compatible pairings:

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When Compatibility is Not Exciting

This is when things start to get interesting. Since they are similar and understand each other’s needs, you might think that putting two people with the same attachment style together would lead to a safe relationship.

No, not exactly. Let’s look at avoidant dismissive in conjunction with avoidant dismissive.

Given the avoidant attachment style‘s strong need for independence and self-reliance, intimacy is avoided when two avoidant partners are placed together. There isn’t much that draws them together because they both want separation from closeness.

They cohabit, and they can have a perfectly functional relationship, but they will lack the emotional connection that they secretly crave (since we all have a universal need for love and belonging!). Is it dreadful?

No, because they are both getting their needs addressed on some degree. This relationship could benefit from them being aware of their dynamics and attempting to promote closeness in order to avoid growing apart.

The anxious/preoccupied couple is another combo to be wary of. Anxious couples, in contrast to avoidant couples, have a great yearning for intimacy and closeness.

They have an exceptional ability to detect subtle emotional cues and fluctuations in the relationship, and these shifts or inconsistencies can readily activate their attachment system.

Anxious couples may potentially work well together if they learned to communicate their demands, regulate their protest behavior, and refrain from jumping to conclusions.

If they are unable to learn to accomplish these things, the anxious relationship might devolve into a jealous and angry fight. The good news is that your needs and desires are identical to those of your partner.

However, in order to effectively interact with one another, you will need to learn to implement some of the characteristics of a secure partner.

Here is a rundown of the medium level pairings:

You may also like: How to heal avoidant attachment style: 5 critical steps you should know

Warning: Very Low Compatibility

So, what are our options now? Can you make a guess?

An anxious partner matched with an avoidant partner is the pairing I would most strongly advise against. This is why I term this combination the roller-coaster relationship: the requirements of the avoidant and anxious partners are diametrically opposed.

The first requires independence, self-sufficiency, and separation from intimacy, whereas the second requires proximity, intimacy, and reliance. Their requirements are dissimilar.

Is this couple’s pairing doomed? No. Relationships are never without hope. Will it be tough for them to establish a mutually beneficial relationship? Yes. It will be difficult, and both parties must be on board in order to communicate their wants and comprehend the needs of their partner.

Neither attachment style is correct or superior to the other; they merely meet distinct purposes. Recognizing your own wants and attempting to address them as well as those of your spouse will help to guide your relationship in a new direction.

If you believe this rollercoaster dynamic describes your relationship, I strongly advise you to read Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, as well as seek professional guidance or assistance to help you get started.

Here’s a rundown of the most challenging pairing:

You may like: Escaping The Anxious Avoidant Relationship Trap: 9 Steps To Break The Cycle (& Make It Work)

Conclusion

There is no such thing as a doomed relationship! Relationships can become stronger and more rewarding with conscious effort and understanding. Don’t give up; instead, try to grasp the dynamics and what your partner need.

When assessing attachment styles, keep in mind that a possible partner’s desire to grow is an important consideration.

A secure attachment style can be created in the context of a relationship when two partners are jointly invested in bringing about positive change. Healing and positive transformation occur when two individuals are intensely engaged on becoming more self-aware, other-aware, loving, and sensitive.

You may like: What triggers anxious attachment? 15 causes to watch out for

PS: Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

Check this great TED Talk video by Ashley Harvey:

What if a relationship coach could help you?

Talking to a relationship coach can be very helpful if you are looking for specific advice regarding your situation.

This is something I have personally experienced…

When I was going through a tough patch in my relationship, I reached out to Relationship Hero. The insights they gave me into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track were invaluable for me after being lost in my thoughts for so long.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a website where highly trained relationship coaches guide people through difficult times in their love lives.

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Despite being new to coaching, I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and helpful my coach was.

Take advantage of our exclusive $50 off offer for Sons Of Universe readers.

You may also like:

Cracking the Code: Loving Someone with Avoidant Attachment (Understanding & Navigating the Patterns)

Cracking Your Partner’s Love Language: 8 Things Most Couples Ignore (And Steps to Succeed)

Do I Need a Relationship Coach? 10 Reasons You May Need One (And Why You May Not)