Breakups are terrible, it hurts, no matter how you handle them, with endless hours of sleepless nights. You may be shaken to your core, questioning both your faith in love and your confidence in yourself.
A broken heart brings the very real pain of rejection, on top of the anguish of grieving a lost love.
It’s normal to feel sad when you’re the one who decided to end things. No matter how amicable a split is, it’s still an end, and in a culture that stresses “forever” as a relationship goal, we’re made to feel like an end is a failure.
Realistically, breakups are often the prelude to a better life (one in which you’ll eventually have a more compatible relationship with someone else). Yet those first few days and weeks are going to be brutal, so it’s perfectly natural for you to feel lost. With time, however, you will be able to move forward. Here are a few tips for feeling better fast.
Do not rush your grieving.
You are entitled to your feelings, no matter the circumstances of the split. Processing them is a journey all by itself.
“When you break up with someone, you’re losing a big part of your life. They’re a friend, a lover, a confidant, or maybe a housemate,” says Charles Duncan, founder of a widely popular dating app. “It’s likely that they were a constant in your life for many years, and you should grieve their loss as you would grieve a death.”
Sonia Ribeiro, a New York-based therapist and life coach, agrees. “There is nothing wrong with feeling sad one day, mad the next, in denial the next, and back to feeling sad again.”
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Delete your ex’s number. At least for now.
Maybe you two promised to stay friends. The possibility of a post-breakup friendship does exist, but the operative word is “time”. Despite your best efforts, very few ex-partners are able to go from exes to friends right away (and if you think you have, wait until one of you starts dating someone new).
If the break-up was on the other person’s initiative, delete their phone number, so you are less likely to contact them,” Ribeiro says. By doing this, you will avoid the dreaded drunk-dial, as well as eliminate impulses to text inappropriately.
Purge social media of all inappropriate content.
Facebook and Instagram can be a very dangerous place for the brokenhearted, whether you decide to scroll through old pictures of happier times or check each update on your ex’s profile.
“It would make you feel bad if you tried to determine whether or not your ex was happy when he or she posted a picture from dinner,” Duncan advises.
No matter how much an ego-wounded ex may tell you, you’re not unkind if you unfollow them; you’re free to block them for your own mental health. You can also skip a Facebook friend’s status update for a month by clicking the three dots in their right-hand corner (you’ll still have to restrain yourself from checking their profile, though).
It’s the same for their friends and family, says Ribeiro. “If you think you’ll just obsess over their every move, mute or remove their social media accounts.”
Related: 7 powerful steps to let go of someone you love (even when it feels impossible)
Avoid talking to your ex unless you absolutely have to.
Getting that one sweatshirt you “need” is one thing; calling or dropping by to get it is another. DON’T DO IT.
“It will not help you heal, and the quicker you can adjust to life without your ex in it, the better off you will be,” Ribeiro says.
Make plans with friends.
“A breakup doesn’t feel good during the first few days, so seek distraction by making plans with friends,” advises Ribeiro. “Don’t let yourself dwell on the past.”
Make time for your best friend for dinner and, if it turns into a long hang over drinks, even better. If you tend to neglect non-romantic relationships when you’re in love, apologize (and promise to never do it again). You might also take the time to make new friendships.
Please remind yourself to only invite friends who make you feel like the best version of yourself, rather than those who don’t. Your heart feels like a wounded baby right now, and it needs pampering.
Put together a breakup playlist.
Your post-parting toolkit shouldn’t be without a breakup playlist. When you find yourself adrift in a churning sea of emotion as you drive to the office or rage-clean the apartment, let the breakup playlist be your constant companion.
In regards to your mix, that’s up to you. A recent study showed that listening to sad music brings comfort to some while making others feel worse. You can go for moodier music if you’re familiar with how it soothes you. Otherwise, you’ll want to step away from that Adele album as soon as possible.
Start doing the things you enjoy again.
Remember how Indian food used to be your favorite, but your ex nixed that takeout option every time? Order curry tonight, and enjoy the taste of sweet freedom.
In the course of a new relationship, it’s easy to put some of our favorite activities on hold,” Duncan says. “Now that the relationship is over, it’s time to start practicing yoga, cycling, playing board games, whatever it was that made you feel good you might have put on hold while you were together.”
Get lost in a good book.
Is there a better way (and more affordable) to escape than by reading an absorbing story? Pack one in your tote and venture out to the park or a coffee shop – you’ll get out of the house, and you never know who you’ll meet while talking about the novel you’re holding.
Exercise.
Exercise releases mood-boosting endorphins and serotonin (you can work out while listening to your breakup playlist!). In addition, even if you have never exercised before, you can still reap many benefits—including a lower risk of heart disease, diabetes, and premature death.
Visit new places and learn new things.
Explore a new location to get a fresh perspective. Try taking a different route home, or try a restaurant the two of you have never visited before: It doesn’t have to be an expensive, Eat, Pray, Love-style getaway.
The tendency is to hang out in the same places and do the same things when you’re in a relationship, Duncan notes. “Explore new parts of your city you haven’t been to before, or take a weekend trip on your own to a place you have wanted to visit but haven’t made the time to.”
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Please, avoid the same old “breakup” haircut
At the very least, you should wait a few seconds before getting bangs for the first time in your adult life. This also applies to quitting a job, getting that tattoo you thought was cool last night, or undertaking any other major change.
The easiest way to deal with these urges is to jot them down and revisit them after a few weeks. “You might have high emotions, and you may not be sleeping or eating properly, which could affect your judgment.”
Avoid obsessing and blaming what went wrong.
“Our relationships teach us a lot about ourselves-both the good and the bad,” says Duncan. Therefore, “going in circles and feeling angry and resentful will not help you to gain insight into yourself and what you want in a relationship. They will keep you stuck in the past.”
Imagine what you would like to give and receive from your next partner rather than focusing on why the relationship ended. It is important to let go of anger about the way you were wronged through meditation and therapy (and definitely avoid bringing it up on future dates). Oh, and talking about dates…
Take it slow before you start dating again
You’ll know you need more time if you’re ranting about your last relationship while on a Tinder date, according to Ribeiro.
It’s great to meet new people and see there are many fish in the sea, but you don’t want to cry about your ex over drinks,” she adds.
Think again about what closure means to you.
Closure isn’t impossible. It’s merely that too many phone calls, DMs, and coffee shop meetups are put in the name of achieving it, when you’re only reopening a wound. True closure only comes with time.
In Ribeiro’s experience, there are two scenarios. If you don’t have time and emotional space to look back and understand why it didn’t work, then you may end up with an ‘eclipse effect,’ where you meet someone who is so amazing that they completely overshadow everything you remembered about your ex.”
In the end, forgive when you are ready.
Duncan says, “Forgive yourself for mistakes you made in the relationship and also forgive the other person.” You forgive yourself, not the other person.
By letting go of bitterness you will be able to find that friendship with your ex, if you both want it. Furthermore, it will allow you to move forward.
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