Are white lies ever justified in a relationship? (8 hard truths you need to know)

I once heard a relationship coach say something that stopped me cold. “Lies don’t break relationships. The slow erosion of reality does.”

It hit differently. Can white lies be justified, or do they quietly chip away at love in ways we don’t even notice?

I’ve seen it happen—two people so convinced their little lies were harmless… until they weren’t. At a psychology seminar in Boston, a woman shared how her husband’s “innocent” fibs—about weekend plans, work stress—slowly made her question everything. Not just him. Everything.

I’m Claire Delli Santi, and today, we’re unpacking 8 hard truths about white lies in relationships.

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Key Nuggets

• Tiny lies can snowball into serious trust issues. The smallest “harmless” deceptions set the stage for bigger betrayals.
• White lies don’t just protect feelings—they rewrite reality. A partner who lies often subtly alters your perception of what’s real.
• Ghosting starts with a white lie. Saying “I’ll text you” when you won’t? It’s emotional evasion that leaves lasting damage.
• Truth is a muscle—use it or lose it. Like termites in wood, small lies quietly hollow out relationships until nothing is left.

Relationship Examples Of White Lies

Here’s some instances of white lies in relationships:

1) I’ll message you, first

This might be the form of deception most frequently used in dating. It’s the go-to affirmative response bias—say what the other person wants to hear, dodge the awkward situation, and keep it moving.

But let’s be real. The vast majority of people who say this have no intent of actually texting. It’s a deliberate deception, a way to avoid rejecting someone outright. But that tiny lie? It can cause bad consequences—false hope, unnecessary waiting, and even family estrangement in extreme cases (yes, ghosting has ruined engagements before).

If you already know you won’t text, be an honest person and own it—can white lies ever be justified if they only delay the inevitable? A little discomfort now saves a lot of damage later.

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2) You’re the one

If you’re still swiping, texting your ex, or debating whether you even like this person, don’t drop the “you’re the one” line. It’s not just a prosocial lying move—it’s emotional fraud.

The common opinion is that these words should be said only when you’re certain. But too many people use them as a way to keep someone around, afraid of the negative consequences of telling the truth. It’s one of those types of situations where mental reservations feel easier than honesty.

If you’re unhappy, say it. Dragging things out with justifiable lying only makes the breakup messier later. Be real—no one deserves to be someone’s placeholder.

3) I’m alright

This one? A classic. But saying “I’m alright” when you’re actually drowning is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg. It hides the problem—but doesn’t fix it.

I once heard Sissela Bok (a moral philosopher) describe how false witness in relationships isn’t just about lying—it’s about what you refuse to reveal. When you bottle up emotions, you’re not just keeping secrets; you’re eroding the family bond and trust.

Sure, devious people manipulate with lies, but even virtuous people fall into this trap. The fix? Start small. Instead of “I’m fine,” say “I don’t want to talk about it yet.” Honesty doesn’t have to be brutal—just real.

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4) We’re just buddies

You probably wouldn’t need to explain that you were simply buddies if that were the case. Don’t try to run away from the truth of the matter if something more is going on between you and you do regard each other as more than friends, because you risk getting wounded.

Can white lies ever be justified when they only blur the lines and set you up for heartbreak? This is particularly true if you start to invest more in your relationship than they do in you.

Both of you risk being seriously hurt and having your hearts crushed if you are not on the same page. Be honest about your circumstances and whether you’re willing to see other individuals. If you don’t establish ground rules for your relationship, it could lead to an emotional affair that could be just as damaging as a physical one. Never, under any circumstances, lie to someone you are in a relationship with.

What You Should Avoid When Telling White Lies in a Relationship

The truth might be difficult to hear at times, and it is frequently simpler to tell a falsehood.

Relationships, on the other hand, ought to be a space where you can be open and honest with one other without worrying about the response. You shouldn’t be afraid to tell your partner if you made a mistake because it is a normal aspect of life and relationships.

It is a good idea to seriously consider whether your relationship is healthy if you are unable to connect with your partner and find yourself talking white lies rather than the truth.

Your relationship is likely to end if you can’t communicate with each other. Improve your ability to communicate with one another and to be honest with one another.

Although relationships are not always simple, lying to one another is never a smart idea. Always be able to tell your partner the truth about any circumstance that has arisen. If you are unable to do so, it’s possible that you and your relationship need to work on your communication problems.

Discover the white lies you should never tell in a relationship by reading on.

What Exactly Are White Lies in Relationships?

We frequently allow ourselves to make white lies in our daily lives, but lying to your partner is never a good idea. Try to always tell them the truth, and even if you falter occasionally, be honest with them about it.

If you want to have a long and fulfilling relationship with your partner, staying on the same page is crucial.

We frequently tell ourselves white lies to shield ourselves from shame or embarrassment, but can they ever be justified if they slowly erode trust? Any relationship that isn’t based on honesty and transparency is not likely to continue. Be real with your partner about every element of your life.

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5) Selfish White Lies

While lying may occasionally be done to spare someone else’s feelings, it can also be done out of self-interest to further our own objectives. Even if you are lying to save your partner’s feelings, it is not a wise move because it will create a culture where lying is accepted in your relationship. It is imperative to thoroughly assess whether the arrangement is appropriate for you if you are lying for your own gain.

You shouldn’t have lied to one another if your partner is the right one for you and you are content in your relationship. It’s critical to examine your motives if you find yourself lying out of selfishness and to get support in breaking the habit.

6) When Lies Turn Dangerous

When telling a spouse a lie starts to feel natural to you, it becomes dangerous. If you never lied to each other before and then start doing so frequently, it has started to negatively impact your relationship. It is time to have a serious discussion and be transparent with your partner if you are lying to them about important issues in your relationship.

It is crucial to get help or quit the partnership if you are unable to discuss what has been happening with them.

7) Interaction

A major lack of communication in your relationship is indicated if you frequently lie to your partner. It’s crucial to have a meaningful discussion about your relationship and what you can do to improve it with them over a meal. You might not be able to mend your relationship if you can’t get back the honesty and trust you once had.

If a partnership is not founded on honesty and trust, it will not last. Discuss your feelings with your partner frequently. Stay on the same page and try to never speak a white lie.

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8) Your significant other is probably aware that you are lying.

Your significant other probably already knows if you have started to lie to them in your relationship. If you’ve been dating for a while, they’ll probably pick up on it right away when you lie.

Can white lies ever be justified when they only make your partner question everything you say? If you don’t break this tendency, your relationship will probably end. Be honest with your partner and let them know why you have been acting in this way.

If your significant other already knows, there is no use in doing anything other than being honest with them about the reasons behind your dishonesty. Communication and honesty are the only ways to get through it.

And remember…

Avoid Lying When Dating As Well

Even if you believe it won’t hurt you, avoid lying when you’re dating. It’s crucial to be honest with someone when you’re trying to get to know them better. Be truthful if you determine that you don’t like this individual enough to continue the relationship. If you don’t plan to message them, don’t say that you will.

Avoid empty commitments

Make no hollow promises that you don’t intend to keep if you are dating someone. If you are seeing numerous people at the same time, don’t pretend that you will only message them or that you are only dating them. If you are doing so, make sure that everyone knows that you are messaging other individuals.

Early on in a romantic relationship, lying is not a good sign. A partnership that is founded on deceit from the beginning is unlikely to succeed.

Don’t Promise Your Significant Other Empty Things

In a committed relationship, it’s critical to always be honest. Don’t just make hollow promises that you don’t intend to keep—try to follow through on your commitments to stop drinking or smoking.

A Lie Can Destroy a Relationship

Even though you may think it’s a little issue, lying can ultimately lead to the end of a relationship. If you begin to lie to your significant other, this behavior becomes regular, and the matters you conceal grow more severe. Can white lies ever be justified when they slowly turn into bigger deceptions that erode trust?

Eventually, you stop being entirely honest with one another, and your relationship becomes devoid of all integrity.

My Personal Take

I still remember the way she gripped the mic—knuckles white, voice tight, like she was holding back an avalanche. Let’s call her Anna (not her real name, obviously).

She wasn’t there to talk about some grand betrayal. No cheating, no secret bank accounts, no double life. Just white lies—tiny, forgettable, barely noticeable.

But over time? They had chipped away at her trust like water dripping on stone.

Her husband would say he was “on his way” when he hadn’t left yet. That he was “just tired” when something was clearly wrong. That he “loved” her cooking when she found full plates scraped into the trash.

One day, she realized she didn’t trust him anymore. Not because of a single, unforgivable lie—but because the truth had been quietly, consistently blurred.

So, what’s the fix? Radical honesty? Not exactly. Some truths need kindness, not blunt force. But if you keep swallowing how you really feel—just to “keep the peace”—you’re not protecting your partner. You’re training them to live in a version of reality that doesn’t actually exist.

The solution? Start small. Trade the instinct to sugarcoat for something real but compassionate. Instead of “I love it,” try “It’s not my favorite, but I love that you made it.” Instead of “I’m fine,” say “I don’t want to talk about it yet, but I will.”

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Final Words

Relationships are never the time to lie. Even if it only begins with a few small white lies, this builds a precedent, and the honesty you once had in your relationship will start to erode. Can white lies ever be justified when they slowly replace trust with doubt? Make sure to constantly tell your partner the truth and be honest with each other no matter what if you want a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship.

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