Have you ever started a new relationship only to find that you have the same problems as you did in your last? Or have you been complaining about every partner you’ve ever had?
Often, we worry that we are the problem, but there might be something much simpler at work. It is possible that you are falling into the anxious-avoidant trap.
This is when we are drawn to people who desire different things out of a relationship than we do and who approach challenges in quite different ways. We keep having the same problems (and dealing with them in the same way) over and over.
In this post, we’ll discuss what the anxious-avoidant trap is, why it’s so widespread, and how you may solve it in your current relationship or avoid it in the future.
If you’re curious about the nature of your relationship, check out our article about the different types of relationships and how to deal with them.
Anxious Attachment and Avoidant Attachment Styles: What are they?
Your attachment style describes how you interact with the people you care about the most: your best friends, close family, and your partner. A secure attachment style is shared by around 50% of the population. The others use one of the insecure attachment styles1.
There are three types of insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Your attachment style is heavily influenced by how you were treated as a youngster. Children rely on the adults in their lives to protect them and teach them about the world.
You may have developed a secure attachment style if your parents and close adults were responsive to your needs and always available for support and reassurance. You may have developed an insecure attachment style if they weren’t (for whatever reason).
An anxious attachment style is an insecure attachment style in which you require support, affection, and reassurance. An anxious attachment style does not trust that others will be there for them. They are afraid of being rejected and seek solace from others.
Avoidant attachment is the other major insecure attachment style. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you believe that you cannot rely on others and hence try to distance yourself from them. You distance yourself from others and avoid close emotional relationships.
Disorganized attachment is extremely unusual and usually results from neglect or abuse. To address the issues of a disorganized attachment style, it is usually required to work with a skilled expert.
What Exactly Is the Anxious-Avoidant Trap?
A common relationship pattern called the anxious-avoidant trap can be hurtful for those involved. It occurs when one person in a relationship has an anxious attachment style while the other has an avoidant attachment style.
Such combinations may seem unusual, but they are actually rather common.
People with an anxious attachment style are frequently drawn to those with an avoidant attachment style, and vice versa.
Some attachment style qualities might be irresistible to the other side, especially at the outset of a relationship.
As an example, an avoidantly attached person might question their partner constantly. It feels like their partner really cares about them and is connected to them to someone anxiously attached. In fact, avoidantly attached people do this to keep their own feelings and thoughts to themselves.
Both parties believe they are on the same page, but they fact have quite different ideas and expectations of the relationship.
Unfortunately, this does not make for easy relationships, particularly as time passes. The two attachment styles oppose each other, intensifying both people’s fears and concerns.
The anxiously attached individual seeks reassurance and consolation from the avoidantly attached individual. As a result, the avoidantly attached person feels pressurized and withdraws in response. When an intensely attached individual notices their partner pulling away, they want to pull closer.
This results in a vicious circle, known as the anxious-avoidant trap.
There are many people who fall into the anxious-avoidant trap, so don’t feel guilty if this describes you.
One of the reasons it’s so widespread is that we’re drawn to what’s familiar, even though we know it’s bad for us. If we’ve had similar experiences in the past, it becomes part of what we subconsciously expect (and perhaps seek) in a relationship.
Just because you’ve fallen into the anxious-avoidant trap previously doesn’t imply you’ll always do so.
Let’s have a look at how we might avoid falling into the anxious-avoidant trap.
Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap
The following are some signs that you are in an anxious-avoidant trap:
- Arguing about nothing – When the anxious partner is unable to obtain the affection and intimacy they seek or detects the avoidant’s withdrawal, they provoke a dispute in order to gain the attention they seek.
- No solutions — not only are there many enormous disputes about minor issues, but there are never any solutions. Addressing the true issue, the relationship, and feeling overwhelmed, is not the avoidant’s nature. They do not want to engage in problem solving because the problem, in their opinion, is the other person.
- More alone time — the avoidant frequently starts fights merely to be further away. The avoidant gets less connected and more aloof as the anxious partner grows more emotional and enthusiastic about healing the relationship, until they can walk away and discover the autonomy they crave.
- The regrets — following the verbal outburst and the avoidant’s departure, the anxious, who may have uttered cruel and hurtful things, feels the loss of the partner and begins to consider all the reasons they need to stay together. At the same time, the avoidant is focusing on the negatives, which increases the urge to avoid the other person.
There is a reconciliation at some point, which may take hours, days, or even weeks. However, the avoidant is already a little further away, prompting the anxious partner to repeat the cycle, resulting in the anxious-avoidant trap.
The cycle lengthens through time, whereas the reconciliation shortens in total duration.
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Making Anxious-Avoidant Relationships Work
Relationships between people who have anxious or avoidant attachment styles might be challenging, but that doesn’t mean they can’t work. They can, but both sides will have to work in some effort. This is how.
1) Begin with conversation.
Communication is essential for a good relationship, and this is especially true when there are fundamental disparities in how you both approach relationships.
Instead of avoiding unpleasant matters, strive to have open, honest discussions about how you feel and how you understand each other’s actions. This creates a solid platform for you to work on issue solving.
An anxious attachment style individual will usually find it simpler to express their feelings than an avoidantly attached person. Instead of whining about what your partner is doing, try using I statements and talking about your feelings.
Allow your partner to express their emotions as well. The individual with an avoidant attachment style may require support to discuss the stress they are experiencing.
Take your partner’s sentiments seriously and pay close attention to what they say. The nervously attached individual may find it difficult to comprehend that their partner is under pressure. Their partner may not realize how unsettling a lack of reassurance might be.
Is it a struggle to convince him to spend time with you?
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With a few subtle comments you might make to him, you can actually modify the main reason why men react in this way.
Learn how to become his top priority in this free video by Relationship Psychologist James Bauer.
2) Emphasize self-reflection
Before we can make significant changes to ourselves and our relationships, we must first comprehend our own ideas and feelings.
Spend some time reflecting on your relationship and the things that are important to you. Journaling may be highly beneficial for self-reflection since it allows you to look back on your previous thoughts and feelings and observe how they change over time.
Look for areas in your self-reflection where you are making assumptions about what others are thinking or feeling. It’s natural to believe, “I know they think x because…” but that doesn’t guarantee you’re correct.
People with anxious and avoidant attachments may reach diametrically opposed judgments about what a certain conduct entails. For example, asking someone to notify you when they arrive home safely is a sign of affection for someone with an anxious style but can feel dominating if you have an avoidant style.
Taking the effort to understand your own and your partner’s assumptions might help you make adjustments in your relationship.
You may like: Cracking the Code: Loving Someone with Avoidant Attachment (Understanding & Navigating the Patterns)
3) Discover your attachment style
Although any self-reflection is beneficial, you may want to spend a little more time considering your particular attachment style and where it comes from.
Although we shouldn’t rely on online quizzes to ‘diagnose’ ourselves, there are several excellent versions that can give you a general indication of the kind of attachment issues you may have.
If possible, take many different tests. This can help you determine whether your result is fairly robust or whether it is due to the test itself.
Once you’ve identified your unique attachment style, you might consider where it comes from. As youngsters, most of us developed our attachment style based on how well our needs were met.
Spend some time reflecting on how your parents reacted to you and your needs, as well as how they interacted with one another. Did you feel safe and cared for? Were you certain that someone would always be available if you needed them?

Talk to your partner about whatever you’ve discovered about your attachment style. It can assist them understand how to relate to you better.
If your anxious attachment style causes you to be jealous frequently, your partner may feel less hurt or attacked if you explain that it arises from your childhood rather than being about them.
Encourage your partner to understand their attachment style as well if possible. It is much easier to make adjustments when you and your partner work as a team. Although this is the best alternative, your partner may be unwilling to participate.
Don’t worry if that’s the case. You can’t control their decisions, and that’s fine.
4) Make room for one another
If you want to make an anxious-avoidant relationship work, you must both work on your own difficulties while still being generous toward each other. If you both have the perspective that “we both need to ‘fix’ ourselves and then everything will be good,” you’re in trouble.
The key to becoming more securely attached is to have a safe and supportive relationship. There is no such thing as a “perfect” or “fixed” relationship. Try to create a relationship that works for both of you instead.
This entails making accommodations.
Allowing for each other entails balancing your own needs with those of your partner. If an avoidant partner requires space, both parties must find a means to provide that need without endangering the anxiously attached partner.
The avoidantly attached individual may vow to text their partner to let them know they need to withdraw and to send them a single message each night to demonstrate they are not upset. In exchange, the nervously attached partner may agree to refrain from texting or calling until the other person is ready to communicate more.
This provides the nervously connected individual something to cling to (“they messaged me tonight, so I know they’re not upset and still love me”). Because they’ve formed a clear agreement, it allows the avoidantly attached person to feel in charge of their own time and attention.
This is just one example; it would not work for all anxious-avoidant couples. The trick is to understand what each of you requires to feel safe and to be creative in order to meet both of your requirements.
5) Keep in mind that there is no objective ‘wrong’.
Making allowances for one another sounds simple, but people who are anxious-avoidant find it very challenging. Even though they love each other, accepting the other person’s wants as valid might be difficult.
Both types of insecure attachment are convinced that their approach is correct.
An anxious attachment style feels that reassurance and shows of affection are essential components of a relationship.
Someone with an avoidant attachment style feels that each member in a relationship should have their own privacy and follow their own interests.
They’re both sort of correct. All of those characteristics are present in great partnerships. The problem is that both parties can learn to assume that the other needs are somehow ‘wrong’. An anxious attachment may believe that a need for distance is unhealthy. An avoidant attachment assumes the same thing about a desire for reassurance.
It is difficult to make adjustments for someone whose needs we consider are bogus. If you want to have a happy relationship, remind yourself that your needs are just as important as each other’s.
6) Have a large network of support.
One of the challenges in attempting to ‘repair’ an anxious-avoidant relationship is that both parties are under a lot of pressure. Build good ties with the people in your life to give yourself some breathing room.
This could imply having close pals on whom you can rely. If you have close family members, they may be a source of comfort and support for you.
A larger support network can assist someone with an anxious attachment style feel more self-sufficient. You can meet some of your needs through other individuals in your life, which means you are less reliant on your partner.
A larger support network allows you to be yourself if you have an avoidant attachment style. You may feel less suffocated, which may reduce tension in your relationship.
Having a large social network does not mean that you can replace your partner as a source of support. It’s about having the support of your friends and partner. It also provides you with more opportunities to learn to rely on and trust others.
7) Learn to accept tough feelings.
It’s tempting to believe that if you have a safe attachment style, you won’t have to cope with uncomfortable emotions like jealously, fear, or rejection. That, unfortunately, is not the case. People who have a secure attachment style experience a wide range of challenging feelings. They just handle them differently.
Both anxious and avoidant attachment types emerge as a means of avoiding uncomfortable emotions, although in different ways.
An anxious attachment style seeks reassurance from others in order to prevent feelings of insecurity. By not allowing others to become near enough to harm, an avoidant attachment style avoids the pain of rejection.
Securely attached people accept their feelings rather than striving to ignore them. They certainly dislike feeling uncertain or rejected, but they are not terrified of it and do not try to escape such unpleasant emotions.
People with insecure attachment styles frequently struggle with’sitting with’ uncomfortable feelings. This includes not simply distracting yourself or attempting to do anything to alleviate the discomfort.
Begin small. Keep an eye out for challenging emotions such as rage, fear, despair, and so on. When you sense these emotions, consider spending a few seconds noticing how you feel. You may feel stress in your body.
You may have the sensation that your mind wants to wander elsewhere. You may begin ‘rationalizing’ and convincing yourself that you do not feel bad.
Once you can handle tough emotions for a few seconds, consider increasing the time to a minute before you begin to distract yourself. Then wait two minutes.
The more you practice embracing negative emotions, the less frightening they become. This allows you to feel safe enough to stop some of the behaviors you’ve developed that make an anxious-avoidant relationship so tough.
8) Recognize patterns from your past
The anxious-avoidant trap is a reaction to how you were treated in the past. You and your partner have both learned to act in this manner to get your desires met.
If we want to break free from this cycle, we must first notice when we are repeating old habits. Be on the lookout for instances when you respond in accordance with your long-term tendencies, as this is often a warning indicator.
We are not always aware of trends in our own conduct. Try asking close friends who have known you for a long time to point out some of your relationship behaviors.
Patterns of ‘acting out’ can be found on both sides of the anxious-avoidant trap. They just differ in appearance.
If you have an anxious attachment, you may begin to criticize your partner as soon as the relationship becomes serious. This provides you an excuse to determine that the relationship isn’t going to work out and to leave it.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you may become convinced without evidence that your partner is cheating and start an argument about it. You’re subconsciously hoping for confirmation of how much you mean to them. Unfortunately, this undermines trust in the relationship and makes you feel even more uneasy.
Once you’ve identified these patterns in your history, try to spot them in your current relationship. If you sense yourself finding fault or feeling envious, for example, you may say to yourself “I think this is that same pattern repeating out again. I want something different this time”. You can then try to come up with other techniques to deal with your emotions.
You may like: Which Attachment Styles Work Best Together? The Most Compatible Matches
9) Attend to your own attachment requirements.
The majority of the advice provided here is intended to assist you in transitioning to a more secure attachment style. If you and your partner work on your individual attachment needs, you will no longer be trapped in the anxious-avoidant cycle. You will be in a safe-safe relationship.
Unfortunately, it does not always work that way. Your partner may not be prepared or able to work on their attachment style at this time. That’s OK.
Despite their best efforts, both sides of the anxious-avoidant trap contribute to the challenging scenario.
You can’t make your partner work on their attachment issues, but you can work on your own.
Making a serious attempt to work a more stable attachment style will affect your relationship.
You will naturally shift the dynamic between you two by changing your behavior. If only one of you gets more secure, you can still escape the anxious-avoidant trap.
Be aware that your partner may not be totally supportive of your adjustments. They may be content with their existing circumstances and struggle when things begin to feel different. Be understanding about it. Moving beyond the familiar, even to a better circumstance, is challenging.
Being sensitive about their distress does not excuse you from working on your own attachment needs. This is beneficial to you as a person and will be useful for the rest of your life.
“I’m sorry this is difficult for you,” try saying. Working on my attachment style is really important to me, and it is already making me feel better about myself and how I interact with the people who matter to me, including you. I’m always available if you have any questions or want to talk about anything.”
Last but not least, keep therapy as an option
Managing attachment concerns can be difficult. You frequently need to unpack childhood preconceptions about yourself and others.
Working with a certified relationship coach or therapist can often make the trip much simpler. They can assist you in recognizing and dealing with some of the thoughts, attitudes, and actions that are contributing to your anxious-avoidant trap.
Couples counselling may be an option if your partner is willing. This could be in addition to or instead of individual counseling.
Whether you work with a coach, therapist, or on your own, be sure you have a strong support network in place and are prepared to seek assistance if necessary.
FAQs
How can you break the anxious-avoidant cycle?
Breaking the anxious-avoidant cycle usually entails working through some personal attachment issues and learning to be more securely attached. Both parties will have to make concessions. The anxiously attached partner must learn to provide more space, while the avoidantly attached partner must learn to reach out more.
Can avoidant and anxious people coexist?
Yes, but you may have to work at it. These relationships can have a lot of’spark,’ but it takes open communication, respect, and change on both sides. Both persons must work on their own attachment issues and be willing to assist the other person in resolving their concerns.
What exactly is an anxious-avoidant relationship?
There is usually a lot of friction in an anxious-avoidant relationship. You may break up and get back together several times. There is a push-pull feeling, with one person craving more closeness and the other pulling away.
Conclusion
Did you find this list helpful? By escaping the anxiety-avoidant trap, you will be able to find the kind of relationship you deserve; one that will let you thrive
Have you managed to escape the anxious-avoidant trap? Do you have any recommendations? Let us know what you think in the comments. Please spread the word if you found this post useful, especially if you know someone who is locked in the anxious-avoidant cycle.
You think about him all the time, but he thinks only about himself?
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.
He needs to be understood in his own way.
You’ll find there’s a subtle thing you can say to him that will dramatically change how he shows his emotions towards you once you do that.
Learn how to become his top priority in this free video by Relationship Psychologist James Bauer.
Take this simple quiz to find out whether he likes you or not!
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