Fear of intimacy: the hidden reasons you push love away (and how to stop)

“You’d be surprised how many people mistake fear of intimacy for just ‘not having met the right person yet.’”

A while back, I listened to a relationship expert tell a story about a woman who kept attracting emotionally unavailable partners. She swore up and down she wanted love, yet every time someone got too close, she found a reason to pull away. Bad timing. Wrong vibe. A ‘gut feeling’ that never quite felt right. Sound familiar?

I’m Claire Delli Santi, and I’ve spent years studying why we sabotage the very connection we crave. If you’ve ever pushed love away and wondered, why do I do this?—you’re not alone. And the real answer? It’s not what you think.

If understanding why we push love away is step one, knowing what kind of connection we truly need is next—this article on different relationship dynamics breaks it all down.

Key Nuggets

• Sleeping around isn’t always about fun—sometimes it’s a shield. Avoiding deep emotional intimacy? That’s a red flag.
• Fights aren’t always about what they seem. Picking battles over nothing? It’s often avoidance anxiety in disguise.
• Love isn’t what scares them—loss is. Many push partners away, fearing abandonment before it even happens.
• The biggest intimacy block? Letting someone stay. Love feels safe when you’re the one leaving—until you realize real connection means risking staying.

Top 5 Intimacy Issues Symptoms

Not every one of these symptoms must be present for someone to develop a fear of intimacy. For people to fear relationships and prevent a couple from having a happy future, only one or two of these behaviors need to be displayed.

1) A low sense of self

Low self-esteem can prevent a person from developing any lasting relationships in the future because they do not view themselves as deserving individuals who should have the good fortune to be in a successful relationship. As a result, they will often aggressively push someone away, either physically or emotionally, to prevent them from getting close to them.

They could not want to grow close to someone out of concern that their partner will find out they are lying if they get to know them too well, or they might not want to have sex with a partner because they hate their bodies.

2) Refraining from physical contact

A person who fears intimacy will frequently avoid having sex or, in fact, any physical touch with someone they are in a relationship with, as was briefly mentioned above. Even though they might want to sleep with their partner, they don’t want to let them get close because they frequently feel unworthy of them. Additionally, they are self-conscious and avoid physical touch to reduce the possibility of getting wounded.

Fear of intimacy: the inhibited capacity of an individual, due to worry, to interchange ideas and feelings with another highly valued human

Source: American Psychology Association

3) Never choosing only one sexual partner.

Of course, the opposite end of the spectrum is when someone avoids romantic relationships entirely by engaging in multiple sexual relationships instead of committing to one. It’s not about sexual satisfaction—it’s about emotional distance.

The deeper the intimate connection, the greater the risk of fear of rejection. So, they keep things at a sexual level, convincing themselves they prefer it that way. But is it really preference—or intimacy avoidance?

4) No previous history of a committed relationship

If someone has never been in a committed relationship, that might signal attachment issues. They may prefer serial dating, keeping things surface-level to avoid emotional closeness. Some even describe it as a “safe zone”—a way to sidestep potential abandonment issues. But the irony? The same fear of intimacy keeping them “safe” is the very thing preventing them from experiencing a truly meaningful relationship.

5) Easily losing your cool with a partner

Sadly, some push people away by creating constant conflict. It’s a classic case of avoidance behaviors—picking fights to maintain emotional distance. It’s not always intentional, but deep down, a fear of loss fuels the chaos.

If they don’t get too attached, they won’t get hurt. The solution? Building trust and recognizing when underlying fears are sabotaging the relationship.

6) Being unable to trust another person

A deep lack of trust often stems from childhood trauma or past unhealthy relationships. When someone has been burned before—whether by family relationships or past partners—they develop intimacy phobia. They want emotional intimacy but struggle to feel comfortable with closeness.

Reassurance helps, but true healing takes time. Sometimes, working with mental health professionals is the most effective way forward.

7) Not being able to express your sentiments in words

Of course, communication is essential to healthy relationships, but it can be challenging to deepen an emotional bond with someone if you are unable to express your feelings. This shows up as apprehension around intimacy, which can be upsetting for the person’s partner. If you are that partner, though, you can support your significant other by taking the initiative. By expressing your own emotions, you teach others how to do the same.

You may like: What triggers anxious attachment? 15 causes to watch out for

How to Overcome Intimacy Issues

It might be challenging, but not impossible, to get over the fear of being overly emotionally attached to someone. Follow the three instructions below to help yourself or others who you believe could benefit from working on their emotional problems.

1) Discuss it thoroughly

One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is being able to talk through issues without triggering intimacy anxiety disorder. If you let fears around intimacy sit in silence, they grow into walls that block emotional availability. The key? Effective communication—but not the robotic, “we need to talk” kind. Make it a safe space where both of you can express your innermost feelings without fear of judgment or rejection.

2) Be vulnerable

Being open feels risky, especially if childhood experiences taught you that vulnerability leads to pain. Attachment styles play a big role here—someone with an avoidant attachment style may instinctively create emotional distance.

But real emotional intimacy requires breaking through that discomfort. Yes, a romantic partner can hurt you—but they can also help you heal. The challenge is building trust instead of letting past wounds dictate present connections.

3) Draw lessons from the past

If past unhealthy relationships have left scars, it’s easy to fall into avoidance anxiety—keeping new partners at arm’s length. But growth means recognizing when your underlying fears are shaping your reality. Not every partner will betray your trust issues, and not every moment of physical intimacy will feel unsafe. Personal development starts when you choose to rewrite the script, rather than letting your past keep directing the story.

My Personal Take

I remember sitting in that seminar, listening to the psychologist talk about a woman—we’ll call her L.—who had a pattern she couldn’t explain. Every time she met a great guy, things would start strong, then poof—she’d lose interest. Either he was too nice (boring), too eager (desperate), or too unavailable (ugh, men!).

She convinced herself she was just picky. But when asked about her past? A string of almost-relationships, half-finished love stories, and an ex she never quite let go of.

Then came the question that changed everything: What would happen if you actually let someone stay?

L. laughed. Then froze. Then cried. Because deep down, fear of intimacy—the real kind—wasn’t about trust or finding the right person. It was about self-protection. If no one gets too close, no one can leave. If you’re always the one walking away, you never have to be the one left behind.

I see this cycle all the time, and breaking it isn’t about willpower—it’s about rewiring how you relate to love. That’s why I genuinely recommend Relationship Hero. Their online coaching is fast, effective, and way less overwhelming than traditional therapy. If you’re ready for real change, you can access an exclusive offer via my link.

FAQs

What are the symptoms of intimacy problems?

There are various indicators of intimacy issues, many of which we have already mentioned. The most frequent scenario is a person with low self-esteem and trust concerns because they do not believe they are deserving of love.

What gives people intimacy anxiety?

Numerous factors can lead to a person’s fear of intimacy. Most of the time, it’s a defense mechanism to prevent someone we’ve allowed to become close to us from hurting us further in the future. One of the main motivations behind pushing a loved one away is the fear of abandonment.

How can I overcome my aversion to closeness?

Talk to yourself honestly and openly, and share with your partner the reasons behind your actions. Admit that you don’t want to behave the way you do and that you want to have fulfilling intimate relationships, but be sure to point out the obstacles in the way.

A man’s definition of intimacy

To a man, intimacy can have many distinct meanings. It can refer to a sexual relationship that involves physical intimacy, or it can refer to letting your guard down around someone and being open to sharing both past and present experiences with them.

What does it feel like to be close?

Knowing that someone won’t hurt you because you have been intimate with them, which requires letting both your physical and emotional guard down, can make intimacy feel like having a large safety net.

Final Words

The likelihood of a romantic partnership thriving can be significantly impacted by intimacy issues. Some avoid emotional connections, preferring casual sexual behavior to deeper bonds. Others want intimate relationships but struggle with attachment issues that keep them distant.

If someone in your life shows signs of fear, approach with patience. Encouraging meaningful discussions and creating a safe space for vulnerability can help. Sometimes, the right support unlocks the emotional intimacy they never thought possible. Communication isn’t just about words—it’s about reassurance, consistency, and showing that true closeness doesn’t have to feel like a threat.