5 Steps to Deal With Gaslighting: How To Spot It, Shut It Down (and Get Your Life Back)

The act of gaslighting is emotional abuse, in which someone manipulates their partner into questioning their own reality. In effect, they make their partner think they have gone crazy or have forgotten things. This is an abusive type of behavior that can cause someone to question their own sanity and self-worth.

It might really be hard to figure out if gaslighting is a problem in your relationship because, if it does happen to you, you might genuinely believe you are the one at fault. It is difficult to deal with and stop gaslighting, even if you realize it is taking place in your relationship.

Because of this, I decided to write this article explaining what gaslighting is, how to spot it, and what you can do about it.

If you’re curious about the nature of your relationship, check out our article about the different types of relationships and how to deal with them.

What does gaslighting mean? 

Gaslighting is a term that is defined very simply by the National Domestic Violence Hotline organization, and they even explain where it comes from. Let’s take a look at what they say:

“This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband dims the gas-powered lights in his home in an attempt to drive his wife insane. As soon as his wife points this out, he denies that the light changed. As a form of emotional abuse, gaslighting causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, giving the abusive partner a great deal of power.”

In a relationship, gaslighting is much more common than you might expect, but it is seldom discussed. In essence, it makes their partner believe they are crazy since they are degrading their partner to such a degree. Then, the person has all the power to manipulate their partner further – they have all the control. It is likely that the partner will stay in the relationship because they were abused into not trusting themselves.

What are the signs of gaslighting?

In most cases, gaslighting begins pretty slowly, so it’s hard to determine if that’s what’s happening. There can be disagreements and confusion from time to time, but we wouldn’t call it gaslighting. 

There are a few signs that can be big red flags when it comes to this form of emotional abuse, and gaslighting is much more serious than a few disagreements with your partner. You are probably reading this article because you are concerned that gaslighting may be occurring in your relationship. In any case, I have a few questions for you. Be honest when answering them. 

• Do you ever feel like your partner is constantly telling you that you are going crazy?
  
• Are you constantly being told by your partner that you are forgetting things and losing your mind?
  
• Have you ever heard your partner tell you that some of your loved ones are saying negative things about you that aren’t true?
  
• Have you ever been told that you are a bad person or a bad girlfriend/wife by your partner?
  
• When you complained about your partner moving or hiding your belongings, have they ever said you were going crazy?
  
• Have you ever heard your partner deny something that you know they did? Did they make it seem like you were going crazy?

• Have you ever questioned your own sanity because of something your partner said to you?
  
• In your relationship, do you ever feel inferior to your partner because of the way he or she treats you?

Any of these signs could be a sign that your partner gaslights you in your relationship. 

It can be for a number of reasons why they are abusing you emotionally, which we will discuss next. In any case, no matter what the reason is, the fact that your partner gaslights you is unjust, and you should not tolerate it. Despite the fact that you are not getting beaten up, it is still a form of abuse, and you should not accept it.

Gaslighting: Why do people do it?

A person may gaslight another person for many reasons, and the scary part is that they might not even be aware that they are doing so. Gaslighting others can be caused by insecurity. It’s because they are uncomfortable with something about themselves that they feel compelled to put someone else down.

Additionally, they may feel less powerful than their partner, so they might subconsciously degrade or demean their partner in order to feel more powerful. These are the most common reasons why men gaslight their wives. While most men are supportive of their partners having equal rights and having success, they may feel uncomfortable if their partner is more successful than they are, or they are just very independent. The power struggle in a relationship is less important to women.

Gaslighters are more likely to suffer from a personality disorder, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. For these individuals, not gaslighting others may be difficult. You will be able to tell if your partner is suffering from one of these disorders because they will not only abuse you but will do it in every aspect of their life.

It’s also possible for people who don’t suffer from any disorders to engage in gaslighting. This is done in order to gain control over partners. They will do whatever it takes to make themselves feel better than their partners. Unfortunately, there is no real explanation for why these people abuse others. 

You may like: 17 Step Checklist to Detect a Narcissist Gaslighting Behavior

Here’s how you should approach gaslighting at first before confronting your partner.

1. Recognize your partner’s behavior towards you.

You must first recognize your partner’s abuse towards you in order to overcome it. The person who is being abused does not realize that they are being manipulated and controlled when gaslighting occurs. As soon as you realize your partner is gaslighting you, you will pay less attention to it and regain control of your emotions.

2. Work on restoring your self-esteem and self-control.

As soon as you have recognized that your partner is gaslighting you, it is vital that you take control of the situation. You should not confront them right away if you are thinking of doing so. Regain your courage and strength first. You should ignore them. Don’t tell them that you know they’re gaslighting you. It’s possible that you won’t be strong enough to stay away from their attempts to get you back via gaslighting if you confront them too soon.

Now is the time to concentrate on yourself. You should not put yourself down for allowing this to happen to you. It happens to everyone. The time has come for you to become your own biggest supporter, and that will require you to show yourself the strength you have. Getting over any form takes different amounts of time for different people, so don’t rush it. All you need to do is start being confident in yourself and in your mind.

3. Discuss the matter with someone else.

Talking to someone about the situation you are going through might be really helpful. If they have experienced gaslighting before, they will be able to share some advice that worked for them. Regardless of whether they have any advice to offer you, it can be really helpful to open up to someone and get their perspective on the situation. A parent or a very close friend is someone who you can really trust.

You can always seek out a therapist or counselor if you don’t want to speak to someone who knows your partner. It can sometimes be easier to talk to someone you don’t know than someone you do. You might also be able to get some good advice from a trained professional on how to proceed.

4. Take good care of your mental health.

You may feel confused after discovering you have been the victim of abuse in your relationship. You might not understand how it happened, when it started, or why it happened to you. Although you may be trying your best to remain positive and gain self-confidence, your mental health may be suffering. People who have been abused need help getting back on track with their mental health. 

It is a good idea to ask yourself how you feel every day so you don’t get into a depressive state. Take some time to care for yourself and in particular for your mind.

You might want to consider visiting a therapist or doctor if you feel depressed or hopeless. Stop suffering in silence.

How to deal with someone who is gaslighting you.

1. In response to gaslighting, be sure your reactions won’t allow them to intensify the abuse.

Now that you realize your partner has been gaslighting you, you need to keep your cool until you confront them. As I said before, gaslighting only works if you are unaware of it. You probably went on the defensive whenever your partner told you you were wrong, or that you were going crazy, when you were unaware that what was going on was gaslighting.

You do not need to react like this now that you know that your partner is abusing you in this way. When he accuses you of something you didn’t do, or vice versa, you can simply say, “Let’s agree to disagree.” 

You may also be interested in: How Compatible Are You With Your Partner? Take Your Free Test to Find Out

Especially if he was emotionally abusing you on purpose, your partner might latch onto the fact that you have learned what he was up to. If your man was subconsciously gaslighting you, he may have realized that it’s not appropriate for him to speak to you that way when you are so calm throughout. The gaslighting might stop if you are lucky. 

Sadly, this is not usually the case and you may need to challenge him with the utmost confidence.

2. Address the abuser directly.

By working on yourself and feeling ready to confront your partner, you can begin to understand why they abuse you. You may or may not choose to confront them, depending on the severity of the gaslighting.

You need to make sure that you are in a safe environment when you confront someone to let them know what they are doing.

If you are having a conversation with someone who loves you, it might be wise to start by saying, “You know how much I love you” or “you mean everything to me”. This will hopefully make them feel your love for them.

Then, you will need to let them know that you have realized they are gaslighting you. Let them know how it makes you feel. Tell them you’re not sure what the reason is for why they are abusing you.

Offer them support if you want to try and help them. In any event, you need to make it very clear that you will not tolerate this kind of emotional manipulation and abuse any longer. 

You can decide what to do based on their response. However, you might want to take the following step.

3. Encourage your partner to participate in couples therapy.

Obviously, you should only offer this if you are truly interested in working together. It is completely understandable if you are past this point. 

It can make your partner feel a little bit more at ease, however, if you choose to offer couples therapy as an option. As men don’t like to be blamed, rather than placing the blame on him and telling him to get help, you have shared the problem with him and said that you will go together. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t your problem if your partner has gaslighted you, but he will feel less blamed if he believes that is what you think.

Therapy can help you and your partner share your points of view in a way that you wouldn’t be able to if there was no mediator to make sure that nothing escalated into an argument.

When you suggest couples therapy to your partner, the only problem you will face is if they don’t want to go. Especially if they are still trying to manipulate you and make you feel crazy, this could be the case. In the event that your partner flat-out refuses to go to therapy with you, give them an ultimatum. Either you go to therapy together and work it out, or you leave. Watch your partner’s reaction.

Although it might be a good idea to use an ultimatum to force your partner into therapy, you should probably ask yourself why you needed to force him to do something about your relationship. He should be thankful you didn’t leave as soon as you realized he was abusing you.

4. Break up with the abusive relationship.

It is best to leave your relationship if your partner is unwilling to work on your relationship. It’s notoriously difficult to escape abusive relationships, so if you can, do it. It is not right that you are abused by the one person who should be protecting and caring for you.

You should prepare for the breakup before you make the decision, so as not to be gaslighted further. It might be a good idea to subtly begin moving your belongings out of their house if you live together or have belongings at their house. 

Additionally, you might want to tell your friends and family the truth about your relationship with him and let them know you’re breaking up with him. As a result, they will be able to comfort you, and they won’t be shocked as much.

It is a good idea for a parent with a child living with this person to move them out of this situation as soon as possible. If your child can stay with your parents during the breakup, then it provides a safe space for them to stay. You can be as open or as discreet with them about what you are going through depending on their age and the strength of your relationship with them. Nonetheless, you should not try to manipulate your child so that he disapproves of his father, since this can cause them emotional harm and start a whole new cycle of trauma.

As you end the relationship, speak with the gaslighter, not with them. When you try to talk with them, this is the perfect opportunity for them to throw you more emotional abuse. You must tell them the relationship is over, plainly and simply. You don’t owe them anything, and you don’t have to say anything else to them.

It’s a good idea not to speak with them after you’ve broken up, so they can’t try to entice you back into the relationship. You should block that person’s number and cease to associate with those who are connected to them.

You may also be interested in: How Compatible Are You With Your Partner? Take Your Free Test to Find Out

5. Praise yourself that you got out.

Last but not least, you should celebrate that you ended an emotionally abusive relationship. You should be proud of yourself that you got out of an abusive relationship. A very small percentage of people who are in abusive relationships actually leave. 

There is a good chance that the abuse has left a lasting impact on you, so it might be a good idea to surround yourself with a strong support system comprised of your friends and family. After leaving an abusive relationship, it might also be beneficial to see a professional who deals with abuse victims. Your self-esteem and self-confidence have grown, and you are ready to move on in life. 

Final words 

Let me begin by saying that I am sorry if you are currently or have ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship. Having been through similar experiences, I completely empathize with you. Keep your head up and believe in yourself. What ever you decide to do with the information I have given you, do it because you want to and not because someone is manipulating you.

Nobody has the right to abuse or belittle your life. It is so important you know that you are so deserving of genuine, kind, and faithful love. Furthermore, one of the benefits of it is that you will be able to spot any further signs of gaslighting.

How helpful was this article to you? Please let us know if it did and if you enjoyed reading it. It would be great if you could let us know. In case of further help needed please also refer to this link: https://www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/

What if a relationship coach could help you?

Talking to a relationship coach can be very helpful if you are looking for specific advice regarding your situation.

This is something I have personally experienced…

When I was going through a tough patch in my relationship, I reached out to Relationship Hero. The insights they gave me into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track were invaluable for me after being lost in my thoughts for so long.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a website where highly trained relationship coaches guide people through difficult times in their love lives.

You can receive tailor-made advice for your specific situation within minutes by connecting with a certified relationship coach.

Despite being new to coaching, I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and helpful my coach was.

Take advantage of our exclusive $50 off offer for Sons Of Universe readers.

You may also like:

How You Turn The Tables On A Narcissist: 8 No Bullsh*t Steps To Follow (& Get Back in Control)

13 Proven Ways To Confuse a Narcissist And Leave Them Speechless