I needed to find the courage to change my life: 4 no-BS steps that made it happen

How to find the courage to change your life—sounds daunting, right? But what if staying the same is riskier? I’ve been there, stuck between dreams of something bigger and the pull of responsibilities: bills, work, and all the “what-ifs” that keep you rooted in place.

Change isn’t about waking up fearless. It’s about facing that fear head-on and deciding your future is worth the leap. As Nelson Mandela once said, “Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it.”

So, if you’re feeling stuck, this is your sign to take the first step. Let’s dive into how to break free from doubt, exercise your courage, and align your life with the future you deserve.

And, if courage feels like the first step, explore our guide on manifesting the life you’ve always wanted.

Key Nuggets

• Unhappiness signals the need for change, so listen to what your emotions are telling you.
• Fear fuels courage when used right, channeling energy into bold action instead of paralysis.
• Courage is a muscle, strengthened by small, brave actions that push you out of your comfort zone.
• Breaking your own heart can save it, because true freedom comes from choosing yourself over fear.
  

1) The fact that you’re unhappy is an indicator that something has to change.

Vanessa, 37, saw leaving a well-paying corporate job as an HR manager in Montreal to boost the stakes and buy a home in California with her husband as the appropriate remedy for her persistent case of urban misery.

The Cambridge native admits she despises city life, especially public transportation, and feels “stuck” and out of her “element” in the business world.

“I’ve been unhappy,” she says. “I don’t want to stay here in a lousy job and become increasingly unhappy.”

I hope that you have the courage to choose yourself, over and over. hope you have the courage to move forward, not backwards. To choose growth over comfort, to choose possibility over the past. I hope you know how worthy you are of everything you’ve ever wanted, even if an unkind heart has lead you to believe otherwise. Your soft heart deserves to feel loved and chosen, not just today, but every day. – Anonymous

“Pay attention to your moods and emotions,” says Kets de Vries, who lives in the Netherlands. “If you find yourself feeling annoyed, resentful, irritable, bored, or even depressed on a daily basis, it’s a solid sign that you need to address something in your life.”

And don’t be hesitant to follow your instincts. “Tune in to your instincts and be very honest about what is holding you down,” suggests Kets de Vries. That could entail admitting that a relationship isn’t working or that your job, while financially gratifying, isn’t appropriate for you.

2) Find out what’s really stopping you from achieving your goals

Once you’ve discovered the necessary change, confront the real impediment to change: fear.

“All change, even good change, is difficult because it entails leaving behind the known and predictable and entering the unfamiliar,” he explains.

What scares you the most about making a change? Is it the dread of losing a nice lifestyle and going bankrupt? Or are you scared of failing? Perhaps it’s both.

However, rather of allowing fear to paralyze you, let it to energize you, advises Kets de Vries. “Fear has a lot of energy.” By channeling that energy, we can use it as a motivator for daring action — not in the absence of fear, but in its presence.”

Vanessa believes that making a change requires “courage” and faith in oneself. “It feels so utterly like the correct thing to do,” she says of the change.

That isn’t to say she isn’t nervous. “Truthfully, I think I can do it,” she says, not allowing anything stand in the way of what she wants.

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3) Courage is a muscle that needs to be exercised

Don’t worry if you don’t have Vanessa’s confidence (yet). According to Kets de Vriesl, taking part in doable courageous acts might help you grow confidence. He compares these little acts to exercises that strengthen “your courage muscles.”

Trying new things, activities, and experiences — anything that takes you out of your comfort zone — can help you trim the fear and work your courage muscles. He advises you to seek out the company of people who demand more of you, or to take on a new skill.

The goal is to make challenging yourself a habit – physically, emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually.

4) Link your heart and your head

Give your aspirations weight by connecting them to your life ideals. “If you want to keep a resolve that demands changing a long-held habit of thought or action, it has to go beyond superficial desires and connect with your deepest beliefs,” explains Kets de Vries.

“When you have a stronger sense of purpose, it forces you to dig deep when things go rough and stay the path – no matter what obstacles you have to overcome.”

While becoming a farmer fulfills Vanessa’s love of nature and wide spaces, it also fits her views about ethical living and eating.

“My husband is a licensed chef, and we want to be involved in our food chain and supply people with nutritious products.” I hope everyone would own a tiny farm and start feeding themselves again. It would benefit ourselves, the animals, and the environment.”

My Personal Take

Finding the courage to change your life, also in relationships, can feel like ripping your own heart out. A few years ago, I was stuck in a relationship that felt like home but also a cage. We had history, shared dreams once—but over time, we became strangers who just happened to share the same space.

I remember lying awake one night, staring at the ceiling, knowing deep down it wasn’t right. But the thought of leaving? It felt unbearable. What if I never found that connection again? What if being alone hurt even more?

But staying hurt too. It was a slow erosion of myself, like being chipped away bit by bit every day. Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it taught me this: sometimes, breaking your own heart is the only way to save it. Courage hurts, but freedom is worth it.

And above all, when finding the courage to change your life…

In times of uncertainty, imagine yourself 30 years in the future.

“Imagine you’re looking back on your life,” Kets de Vries suggests. “Given your current track, what are you most likely to regret in the future?” If you’re unhappy at work, you’ll grow even more unhappy, and even more apathetic. “You’ll only become more numb to life,” Kets de Vries adds.

Vanessa agrees, saying, “Life is too short to be miserable.”

If contemplating about how your inner octogenarian would perceive your decisions doesn’t compel you to change, Kets de Vries suggests drawing inspiration from someone who never saw some hard realities as a barrier to attaining her objectives.

To paraphrase Dale Carnegie,

Inaction generates uncertainty and fear. Action promotes self-assurance and courage. If you want to overcome fear, don’t sit at home thinking about it. Get out there and do something.

Have you ever made a life-altering choice for the better? Please leave a comment below.