The fallout from a breakup can be painful. Most people are unharmed, but research has shown that the end of a romantic relationship can cause insomnia, intrusive thoughts, and even a decrease in immune function.
Even the most ambitious people might struggle to figure out how to move on with their lives while going through a breakup.
Following a breakup, your head is likely to be flooded with a mix of thoughts ranging from “I’ll make the best of my regained freedom” to “my life is finished.” (At times, these thoughts can occur within the same minute.) There is self-doubt and suffering, as well as a continual sense of “this stinks.”
Breakups are painful
Yes, they suck for both the person being discarded and the person doing the uneasy deed. You’ve shared a life, dreams, and a sense of self. And the longer a relationship lasts, the more difficult it is to recover.
However, a more scientific examination of breakups — why and how they occur, what causes the feelings that follow a breakup, and the psychology of missing your ex — may provide an opportunity for self-analysis. It can provide some distance from an experience that is frequently excruciatingly specific.
Will your new scientific knowledge instantly make you feel better? Hardly. However, heartbreak can be viewed as a melting pot of brain chemicals and predictable behaviors, and recognizing its components serves as a reminder that you are not alone in your suffering.
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Why do we break up?
Every relationship is different, and you (or your partner) will have different reasons for calling it quits.
However, research indicates that the majority of breakups are caused by one of 8 major factors:
- a desire for more Independency
- absence of shared interests or character traits
- lack of support
- lack of openness
- lack of loyalty
- lack of time spent together
- lack of fairness
- desire for more romanticism.
Surprisingly, one of the top reasons for a divorce for women is a desire for autonomy…
Other studies have looked into the characteristics that make it difficult for couples to divorce. Michelle Givertz, a relationship commitment researcher at California State University, has proposed three forms of “constraint commitments,” or limits that make us more committed to being in a relationship.
Interpersonal pressures to stay together are examples of perceived limits.
Perhaps you’re concerned about your partner’s mental health, or that you’ll never find someone else. Material barriers to divorce include things like living together, sharing a pet, or having a trip planned.
And the experience of being trapped or stuck in a relationship is described by felt limits.
In her research, Givertz found that perceived and material limits were more important to couples than felt limits. It may be useful to reflect on the restraints that extended your own relationship after the fact.
It’s romantic to believe that love is what holds a couple together, but it’s also not the most realistic or beneficial viewpoint.
Recognizing your limitations can assist reveal the relationship’s flaws, alleviating any sense of loss you may experience.
How break up happens
Breakups aren’t accidents, and they’re rarely made on the fly of the moment, unless infidelity is involved. If you’re heartbroken, remember that your partner’s decision was most likely reached after considerable thought and deliberation.
A study of individual breakup points released by the American Psychology Association demonstrates how intricate and extensive the separation process can be. The writers found 16 processes that take place before to the final breakup (see graphic).
Though these events do not always occur in this order, it may be comforting to know that the decision was not taken lightly.
And if your breakup was a shambles, know that the majority of them are. According to a YouGov research, 58% of respondents claimed their relationships end abruptly, while only a quarter said their splits are usually cordial.
Related: 7 powerful steps to let go of someone you love (even when it feels impossible)
How your brain reacts to an heartbreak
Heartbreak hurts, and not just metaphorically.
Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), researchers discovered that the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) of the brain engaged when subjects felt physical pain, but also when they felt rejected. If you feel like you’re going to die after a breakup, you’re not alone.
Scientists are fascinated by the fact that rejection hurts the brain as much as physical pain does.
When we experience physical pain, such as burning, the brain engages its opioid response system, releasing natural painkillers, according to a study at the University of Michigan.
Surprisingly, the same thing happens when we are rejected. (People with resilient personalities have an edge since their opioid systems are more active.) The good news is that you can increase your brain’s natural opioids through exercise and other methods.
Why is rejection so painful in the first place? A human evolutionary study published in Psychology Today may hold the key to finding a solution. Self-sufficiency is hard, so as a species, we’ve evolved to form social bonds, and the pain of being rejected pushes us to make new friends. The way you’re feeling right now is dreadful, yet it has significance.
Love is a form of addiction.
People who have experienced a breakup may get obsessed with their ex-partners. You may expend more time and energy attempting to see your ex, obsessively checking in on them online, and feel as if you are losing control. In other words, you can feel like you’re addicted to your ex.
The cause of this tendency could be found deep within our brain’s circuitry. Drug cravings, according to addiction studies, elevated levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, a reward-related area of the brain; and the same thing happens when we think about or see an ex.
How does this function exactly? Dopamine interacts with glutamate, another neurotransmitter, to activate the brain’s reward-related learning system when it is released. It is the same circuit that assists humans in learning basic survival behaviors such as feeding.
When you are constantly exposed to someone or something that makes you happy, your brain learns that it need this person, object, or substance.
That’s why seeing a photo of your ex may compel you to call or see them.
Addictions, thankfully, can be overcome.
How long will the pain continue?
“I was with him for five years,” a buddy once told me. Only now, two years later, am I fully content to be on my own.” The famed “dump equation,” which states that it takes half the time of a relationship to end it, more or less applied to her.
This equation appears to be neat and clean. People are unique, as are their relationships. Using arithmetic to anticipate the end of your sorrow can lead to failure.
That isn’t to argue that having a “deadline” isn’t useful for some people. Perhaps knowing that you have “given” yourself five years to get over an ex is reassuring.
There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself time to process your emotions. Indeed, rumination following a breakup has been shown to promote higher self-transformation.
So take the time to realize that the time you spent with your partner was not in vain – you are now a different person. You’ve grown as a result of your relationship.
You may like: How to Love Yourself After a Breakup: 17 Ways to Heal and Grow (Dos & Don’ts)
What I should do right now?
There is no shortage of advice available. The world is loaded with how-to advise, personal anecdotes, listicles, and in-depth ways to get over an ex, from bookstores to the internet.
But I’d like to leave you with an intriguing approach, according to a study published in The Journal of Neuroscience:
Practice the placebo effect.
When participants in the study were given a “strong nasal spray to alleviate emotional pain” after experiencing an unexpected breakup, they reported feeling better after seeing an image of their former. Scans revealed that their brains behaved differently as well.
The nasal spray contained a solution of water and salt.
So start doing the things you think will make you feel better, because they probably will. Visit buddies you’ve neglected for a time.
Enroll in the acting workshop or competitive dog grooming classes you’ve always wanted to take. Take a vacation. Consume the meals you were unable to order due to your partner’s allergy. Sleep in the middle of your bed. Give of your time.
Your mind is amazing. Though it can cause excruciating pain, it can also provide relief. It just takes time.
You may like: 7 Signs It’s Time To Leave a Relationship: When & How To Move On
What if a relationship coach could help you?
Talking to a relationship coach can be very helpful if you are looking for specific advice regarding your situation.
This is something I have personally experienced…
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