How to break up with someone (and get the courage): 9 no regret steps to keep fear at bay

It’s an old adage that “breaking up is hard to do.” Not only is it difficult to do, but it’s also difficult to deal with the aftermath and the complexities that arise when we’re in such a vulnerable condition.

There is no easy way to say, “I want to break up with you.” Even if it isn’t your aim, you never want to harm the person you love (or used to love).

But, if you’ve thoroughly examined your relationship and tried everything you can to improve the aspects that aren’t working for you, it’s time to prioritize your happiness.

Ok but, how do you do it; how do you end your relationship with your significant other? It’s not about assigning blame or proving that you wounded them more than they hurt you.

It’s about thinking ahead and convincing both your partner and yourself that taking other courses will improve your life.

Understanding, compassion, and empathy are qualities you must cultivate in order to help you and your partner get through a breakup in one piece.

We explain why even the finest relationships fail, why it is critical to break up properly ad gracefully, and all you need to know about breaking up in this guide.

Why Relationships Fail (Even the Most Promising Ones)

Love is a magical thing. It can appear out of nowhere and transform your entire life when it does.
Love may make everything in your life feel beautiful for weeks, months, or even years.

You will eventually begin to fantasize about spending the rest of your life in love with your partner, because why not? Why should your ecstasy ever come to an end?

But, for some reason, it just stops. Even when there are no outward symptoms, the relationship progressively disintegrates and your happiness wanes.

You wake up one day and realize you can’t recall the last time you were actually pleased with your partner.

Maybe they’ll be away for a week on business, and instead of missing them, you’ll realize how much you miss them.

Finally, you conclude that the feeling of not having them is preferable to the sense of being around them, which is both frightening and soothing.

You know how you really feel, but you’re not sure what it means for the future of your relationship or even your own personal future.

But how is this possible? How does a relationship that was flawless a year, half a year, or even a month ago suddenly leave you with a bad taste in your mouth?

While many relationships may seem doomed to fail sooner or later, you may have once assumed that yours would endure the test of time.

Even the strongest relationships may and sometimes do fail.

Here are five reasons:

1) You Couldn’t See the Warning Signs

How many times have you seen a pair and immediately felt they weren’t meant to be?

Maybe they bicker in tiny but significant ways, or maybe they don’t share any common interests and have nothing to talk about.

There are many couples out there that are absolutely incompatible with their significant other but continue to be together.

Part of the explanation for this is the old adage, “Love is blind,” which has recently been proven to have neurological validity.

Researchers from the British Psychological Society say that when people fall in love, the rush of oxytocin overpowers the neural pathways in their brain that lead to negative emotions like social judgment, fear, and being critical of others.

As a result, the neural pathways that lead to negative emotions like social judgment, fear, and being critical of others become slightly less active when directed at our partner.

This means that while we can readily detect defects in other relationships, we have difficulties seeing flaws in our own relationship until the oxytocin wears off.

You may also like:

10 unlikely signs a couple will breakup from a relationship coach

2) Would you like advice tailored to your specific situation?

While this article discusses how to break up with someone you love, speaking with a relationship coach about your circumstance can be beneficial.

You can get guidance tailored to your life and experiences by working with a professional relationship coach…

Relationship Hero is a website where highly qualified relationship counselors help people navigate challenging and tough love issues, such as whether to fix or quit a relationship. They’re a popular resource for those facing similar challenges.

How do I know this?

Well, I contacted Relationship Hero a few months ago while I was going through a difficult period in my own relationship. They provided me with a unique insight into the mechanics of my relationship and how to get it back on track after I had been lost in my thoughts for so long.

My coach’s kindness, empathy, and genuine helpfulness astounded me.

In just a few minutes, you may connect with a qualified relationship counselor and receive guidance tailored to your specific circumstance.

To begin, click here.

3) You are not on the same wavelength.

Every relationship goes through several stages, and conflict usually emerges when both parties aren’t on the same page.

This leads to a power struggle characterized by uncertainty and disappointment: one partner believes the other partner is lagging behind or not doing what should be expected of them, while the other partner believes they are devoting too much of themselves to the relationship and need to slow down.

It can be irritating, stressful, and, in most circumstances, devastating, but conflict is unavoidable unless both partners are ready to wait and work together.

The problem is that neither partner can be faulted for how quickly we progress through each stage, and our expectations of our partner are heavily influenced by our own personal past and what we currently desire in our lives.

One partner may be thinking about settling down and getting married, while the other may be enjoying the moment without considering long-term commitment.

When the couple realizes they are at different stages, there is a sense of betrayal and sadness as each partner wonders, “Why don’t they feel the same way I do?”

Worse, the deeper your love for one another, the stronger these unpleasant emotions may feel, potentially leading to a split.

4) Sometimes you are better off as friends than as lovers.

There are perhaps a billion people who can sing the tune to Jason Mraz’s song “Happy,” as well as the popular phrase “I’m lucky I’m in love with my best buddy.”

Many people believe that falling in love with their best friend is the ideal circumstance (assuming you have a best friend you are romantically attracted to).

There’s nothing better than falling in love as best friends, with an already-established history and inside jokes, a great relationship to build your romance on, and a familiarity with each other’s peculiarities and features.

After all, isn’t the success of a long-term relationship determined by how well two people get along after the initial thrill of romance has worn off?

However, as many people learn the hard way, some couples are simply better off as friends.

A best friend-turned-romantic partner relationship may seem like the finest thing in the world at first, but if you aren’t romantically compatible, those signals will emerge within a few weeks into the relationship.

The characteristics that lead two people to become best friends do not always convert into a solid basis for a romantic relationship.

These are typically the most traumatic and time-consuming breakups, as many individuals do not want to believe that they cannot “work it out” with their best friend/significant other.

“If I can’t work it out with them, who can I work it out with?” they may believe.

5) You no longer see each other as indispensable.

Being in a relationship does not imply that you must live in each other’s pockets or that you must have an unhealthy attachment to one other.

Being essential to each other, on the other hand, is a sign of a good relationship. And if you don’t have it, alarm bells should go out.

Feeling necessary to a woman, especially for a man, is frequently what distinguishes “like” from “love.”

Don’t get me wrong, Your boyfriend admires your strength and ability to be self-sufficient. But he still wants to feel valued and productive – not worthless!

This is because guys have an innate longing for something “higher” than love or sex. It’s why guys who appear to have the “ideal woman” are nevertheless unsatisfied and are continually looking for something else — or, worse, someone else.

Simply put, males have a biological need to feel needed, valuable, and capable of providing for the woman they care about.

The “Hero Instinct”

The hero instinct is a term coined by relationship psychologist James Bauer. He’s made a great free film explaining the subject.

You can watch his video here.

Male wants, according to James, are not complicated; they are simply misinterpreted. Instincts are powerful motivators of human action, and this is especially true when it comes to how males approach their relationships.

Men are unlikely to feel fulfilled in a relationship if the hero instinct is not awakened. He holds back because being in a relationship is a significant financial investment for him. And he won’t really “invest” in you unless you offer him a sense of purpose and make him feel important.

How do you make him feel this way? How can you instill meaning and purpose in him?

You don’t have to play the “damsel in distress” or pretend to be someone you’re not. You don’t have to compromise your power or independence in any manner.

To be authentic, simply show your partner what you require and allow him to rise up to meet it.

James Bauer presents various options in his new video. He shows you phrases, texts, and small requests that you may use right now to make him feel more important to you.

Here’s another link to the video.

You may undo whatever has gone wrong in your relationship by activating this very natural male instinct. You will not only boost his self-esteem as a guy, but you will also build a stronger, more lasting relationship in the long run.

Breaking Up Properly: Why It’s important

There may be no more dreadful everyday emotion than knowing you want to end your relationship.

You still love them – even if you pretend you don’t – and the last thing you want to do is harm them, especially at the level of a breakup.

You want the best for them, but you’re not interested in being there for them.

Furthemore, you want to secure their happiness, but you don’t want to be the source of that happiness.

You and your partner are about to undergo emotional surgery, and you are frightened that one of you may not survive.

But it must be done, and it must be done correctly. It must be clear, brief, and without hesitation; like tearing off a band-aid, it works best if done in one swift stroke.

However, it is tempting to do things differently. To ghost them until they “get the point,” or to gradually fade out of their lives until they learn to live without you.

You may believe that more subtle and indirect approaches are better for your partner, but this is usually never the case.

Failure to properly end a relationship can cost you and your partner more sorrow and misery than either of you deserves.

Here are a few examples of common scenarios that can result from this failure:

The Lack of Courage Loop

The Toxic Loop arises when the party wishing to end the relationship lacks the courage to face their partner and declare that it is over.

They may attempt to quit the relationship and have “the talk,” but their partner will do everything possible to avoid having that conversation.

They may pledge to change, declare they can’t live without them, or even threaten to kill themselves if the relationship ends.

This motivates the first partner to strive to eke out affection and keep the relationship going, even though they are now completely miserable.

This produces a toxic cycle of “the talk,” pledges to change, attempts to return to a normal relationship, and disappointment until the first partner attempts to end it again.

The Game of Waiting

The Waiting Game is an evolved variant of the Toxic Loop in which both partners are disappointed and both want to quit the relationship but neither is willing to pull the trigger.

This means that there is never a “conversation”; instead, both partners simply try to keep the relationship going, and when conflict emerges, they push each other as far as they can to force the other person to quit the relationship.

So, what causes this?

The most common reason is that neither partner wants to be the one to end the relationship and feel responsible for killing it; they understand that if they end the relationship, they must hold themselves accountable for any unhappiness they experience afterward, rather than being able to blame their partner for ending it.

The Forgotten, Angry, and Bitter Cause

The breakup occurs in this scenario, but it is not peaceful. Instead of breaking up in a gentle and sympathetic manner, you may have been confrontational, blaming them for everything and accepting no responsibility for why the relationship did not work out.

Both sides will be angry and resentful for a long time, with unresolved feelings that can lead to phone battles, embarrassing meet-ups with common acquaintances, and accidental angry sex that you both regret the next morning.

All of this occurs because you attempted to end the relationship abruptly without giving yourself or your partner the opportunity to properly say goodbye to your feelings.

Is It Over? When to break up with someone

It can be difficult to determine when to dump someone. If you’re being treated like shit, being ignored regularly, being cheated on, or experiencing any other form of toxic relationship abuse, you should leave. Skip this part and proceed directly to the instructions below. Now.

However, breaking up is not always an easy decision. Perhaps nothing is clicking. Perhaps the arguments aren’t getting anywhere. And, finally, maybe you’ve encountered some minor compatibility difficulties that you’re not sure you can live with. I understand.

If this is the case, it’s worth looking into more to find out what’s going on. Because difficulties in personal relationships are rarely what they appear to be on the surface. That is to say, it is never truly “about what it is about.”

Need the courage? How to know when it’s time to leave:

Determine the source of the relationship’s problems.

Again, it’s never about what it’s all about. Why are you so enraged if they put a dirty dish on the coffee table? I can tell you right now that it has nothing to do with the dirty dish.

Perhaps your views about cleanliness stem from a deep desire to control your environment because you can’t cope with the anxiety of all the uncertainty in your life. Dig a little deeper and see if you can find some compassion for the other person—and yourself, too.

Have you expressed your dissatisfaction?

The number of people who say they were caught off guard by a split astounded me. Relationships do not end in a single moment. Things require at least a little time to fall apart. So, if you notice that things are going off the rails, you owe it to the other person to give them an opportunity to set things right.

Can you accept a compromise?

We’ll never be completely compatible in every manner with another individual. However, there is a distinction between having different preferences—such as not like the same foods—and having different values—such as whether or not you want children, how you spend your money, religion, and so on. It’s fine to make concessions on your preferences from time to time. It is not acceptable to compromise your values.

Maintain your boundaries.

If you’ve done everything listed above and the other person is completely aware of your position, it’s time to enforce your boundaries. That includes demonstrating a readiness to leave if things do not improve. If you’ve made a good faith attempt and someone truly wants to work with you, they’ll make a good faith effort to help transform the relationship. If they don’t, you should probably go.

You may like: Why you lost him (ad how to get him back)

How To Breakup With Someone (Respectfully): The 9 Rules to Follow

So this is probably going to be a disaster. But if you’ve decided it’s time to pack your belongings and exit the relationship, I applaud you for your guts.

Let’s get this thing over with.

1) Always do it in person, and if at all possible, avoid doing it in public.

Unless they did something completely out of character, such as scalping your cat (or leaving you 43 sad voicemails in one night), and if you have any respect for them at all (often a reasonable question), always do it in person.

Yes, it is more difficult. But put up with it. And, if at all possible, avoid doing it in public. Being in public limits people’s ability to express themselves, whether it’s final words they’d like to say to you or dishes they’d like to shatter. Which brings us to the second principle…

2) Be as quiet as possible and don’t make a scene

It’s normal to be upset. It’s normal and expected to be torn apart from the inside out. Wishing your ex burning hell and brimstone and having the need to dismantle their life and all they hold dear piece by piece… isn’t completely out of the usual either.

Any attempt to do so, though, will make you look like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Keep your cool. Grieve and express your sorrow, but do not act foolishly. Do it privately and with someone you trust.

This is especially true if you are in public.

3) Make no attempt to make the other person feel better.

This is especially true for the dumper. When a relationship ends, you are no longer responsible for the other person’s emotions.

Not only is it no longer your obligation to assist them in coping, but soothing them will almost certainly make them feel worse. It can potentially backfire by making them despise you even more for being so nice (while dumping them).

And don’t have sex with them for fuck’s sake. You literally just broke up. They’re sobbing and expressing how much they’ll miss you.

You give them a hug to make them feel better. Then, you become agitated because you wish things could have worked out, but this is for the better. Finally, you start crying and wonder why you’re ditching them in the first place, because gosh, remember when things were good?

They were fantastic, right? Then the clothes come off, and one of you is crying and smiling, and the sex becomes more passionate than it has been in a year and a half, and what the fuck are you doing? No, seriously, what are you doing? Stop!

4) For a brief period after the breakup, respectfully cut off all contact

This is the second thing that many people lack the courage to accomplish. Many people are obsessed with keeping in touch with old pals, even if it is causing them extra emotional turmoil.

According to research on relationship breakups, persons who limit their emotional contact with one another recover considerably faster. (see the “no contact rule“)

It is not only normal, but also beneficial, to refrain from seeing/speaking to each other for a short length of time.

The more contact you have, the more likely it is that you will set off an emotional time bomb, relapse, and wind up in that tangled no-land man’s of “we’re not together, but we’re still kind of together, but we’re definitely not boyfriend and girlfriend.” I’ll phone right away to check in, but truly, we’re not together – why are you staring at me like that?”

5) Discuss It with Someone

This may seem self-evident, but make sure you do it. Before making a decision in a particularly significant relationship, consult with a trustworthy friend or family member.

Then, take whatever advice they give you carefully. We are typically lousy observers of our own relationships, but our friends understand how it affects us better than we do.

6) Be sad, angry, or upset, but don’t judge or blame anyone.

Emotions are normal and healthy.

Even unpleasant emotions are normal and good. But criticizing and condemning others, whether they are you or not, will not get you very far.

This is not to say that you should not discriminate between good and terrible behavior or choices. Learning from your mistakes and what went wrong in your relationship will help you move on. My first serious relationship was a disaster for me.

I was bitter because she had abandoned me for another man. I didn’t really start to get over it until I accepted all of the ways I wasn’t a good boyfriend. It was simpler to accept and let go of what happened after I recognized I wasn’t such a flawless angel and that I wasn’t fully the victim.

Begin by admitting that they weren’t as fantastic as you thought and that there were some things you didn’t enjoy. Recognize your shortcomings and how you may have been a better partner. But don’t blame or dismiss them as humans.

Everyone enters a relationship with good intentions. Most individuals leave feeling hurt and misled in some way. Most people come out having made a huge blunder somewhere along the line. There’s nothing particularly repulsive about you or that one person. Simply learn from your mistakes and move on.

7) Accept that breakups are the result of incompatibility. So it’s beneficial for both of you

People who have recently ended a relationship and lament that “he/she and I were great together” irritate me.

You obviously weren’t. You’d still be together if not for this.

For some reason, while analyzing someone’s compatibility, people instantly erase the fact that they are no longer together. Oh sure, even though we’d been at odds for the previous six months, our first trip to Florida was fantastic. We were perfect for each other.

While we all have perceptual biases that cause us to recall things better than they were, it’s crucial to remember that you split up for a reason. And it’s not uncommon for that reason to be really good.

And to those of you who are still clinging to that special someone months or years later: quit. They would have understood by now whether they were the appropriate person for you. You’re being delusory. Continue your journey.

8) Make an Investment in Yourself

The longer you are in a love relationship, the more your sense of self merges with theirs. Being in such an intimate area with someone for an extended period of time produces a third, overlapping psychic entity that includes both you and them.

And when that thing dies unexpectedly, it not only causes pain, but it also creates a momentary hole in who you are.

This is why investing in recreating your unique identity is the best and most vital post-breakup advice on the planet. Rekindle old interests. Double your efforts at work. Begin that project you’ve been putting off for months.

Most importantly, spend time with your pals. Your friends will not only reassure and comfort you in the moment, but they will also assist you in reinforcing your own particular identity. Friendship is the most effective antidote to heartbreak.

9) Only begin dating again if you are really excited to meet new people.

Many people split up and enter a “rebound” period. They’re back on the market right away, grabbing the first thing that comes their way.

The difficulty is that this is more of a coping technique than genuine excitement in meeting new people.
You can tell because the new connections you form feel difficult and underdeveloped. Anxiety and desperation return with a vengeance, and the process of meeting someone new becomes significantly less pleasurable.

After you’ve broken contact and invested in yourself, don’t put any pressure on yourself to meet someone new until you’re truly excited to do so.

There is a distinction to be made between exhilaration and desperation. Desperation is the feeling of being alone and incomplete without dating someone – as if you need to be with someone to be happy.

Excitement is being truly interested in what’s out there and feeling fine no matter what occurs.

Besides, when you’re thrilled to meet new people and in a good emotional place, you’re lot more beautiful. It’s worthwhile.

Bonus rule not to ignore when getting the courage to breakup

Befriend your ex only once you’re over the idea of dating them again

Some people have the noble objective of keeping in touch with their ex. Others have the noble ambition of smashing their ex’s kneecaps with a tire iron.

Whatever your intentions are for your future relationships with your ex, they must develop naturally. Forcing a friendship might make the other person feel indebted to you, which can bring up a lot of the unpleasant feelings left over from the breakup.

What I’ve discovered is that if you had a solid friendship during the relationship, the friendship will automatically resurface outside of the relationship once you’ve both moved on. In many circumstances, dating new people allows both parties to relax enough to build that bond again.

Sometimes it takes a long time. But if the friendship exists, it will eventually bloom. Do yourself a favor and don’t push it.

The simplest way to disappoint him…

While all of the above suggestions are excellent for disappointing a loved one, the ideal course of action boils down to ‘un’ activating his hero instinct.

We never want to hurt those we care about.

Even when we are aware that the relationship is finished and we are ready to move on.

If your man doesn’t feel the same way, it’s because you’ve triggered and continue to provoke his hero instinct.

While this is true, breaking up with him will never be simple. You won’t be able to avoid injuring him in the process.

He can’t help but feel this way.

If his hero instinct is activated, he will naturally want to be with you and feel like an everyday hero in your life. It’s a biological drive he possesses, and discovering you don’t share it will break his heart.

So, what are your options?

This is a concept I described previously in the essay as one of the ways you can gently let him down without him recognizing it.

By the end, he’ll want the same thing you do…to go your separate ways!

Doesn’t it sound good?

Men are biologically predisposed to be your hero.

While he feels necessary and important in your life, he will adore you and want to be near you.

As a result, it is critical to do the opposite.

Break that tie and prevent him from feeling indispensable in your life.

If you want to learn more about the hero impulse, watch this free video by relationship psychologist James Bauer, who coined the concept in the first place.

James provides methods and tricks, as well as small requests, in the video to elicit this inclination in males.

Which you may then ‘un-trigger’ in your man.

Here’s another link to the video.

Best wishes!

Is it really that hopeless to try to get back together?

I frequently receive letters from folks who are going through a breakup and want to know if their situation is hopeless. Is there a chance they’ll get back together?

Here’s the deal: it can work if you get back together after a breakup.

But that assumes that one or both of you actually learn from the breakup and change your behavior or perception of the relationship.

There are numerous stories of couples that required time apart in order to gain perspective on their relationship and discover how to make it work. In general, one disastrous breakup isn’t too much to overcome.

But if you’re going through breakup after breakup after breakup — or what I call the “emotional boom/bust cycle” — where you’re either in heaven or hell depending on the month — I hate to tell it, but you should definitely end it forever.

Consider your relationship to be a fine china plate. If you break it once, you can reassemble it with care and effort.

If you break it again, you can still put it back together, but it will require a lot more time and care. But if you shatter it again and again, you’ll wind up with so many parts that you won’t be able to put it back together.

And, no matter how much you liked that dish, you should go find another one.

You may also be interested in: Is your Ex back what you actually want? Here’s Your To Do List

What if a relationship coach could help you?

Talking to a relationship coach can be very helpful if you are looking for specific advice regarding your situation.

This is something I have personally experienced…

When I was going through a tough patch in my relationship, I reached out to Relationship Hero. The insights they gave me into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track were invaluable for me after being lost in my thoughts for so long.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a website where highly trained relationship coaches guide people through difficult times in their love lives.

You can receive tailor-made advice for your specific situation within minutes by connecting with a certified relationship coach.

Despite being new to coaching, I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and helpful my coach was.

Take advantage of our exclusive $50 off offer for Sons Of Universe readers.

Related posts:

• I need to find the courage to leave my husband: how can I get the strength to do this?

• Getting over a breakup scientifically: does it work? What experts found (with tools)