It can be painful to find the courage to tell your husband you want to leave him, even when you’ve decided you want to. As frightening as the prospect of divorce may be, taking the first step might be a stride toward a brighter future.
When I married my ex-husband, there was a part of me that knew it wouldn’t last. We separated twice before the third and last time, which resulted in divorce.
We had a few years together fraught with adultery (on his part), disagreements, worry, fear, and a slew of other terrible emotions.
Nonetheless, I stayed. I lingered much longer than I should have. Despite knowing it was done, I stayed. I stayed despite having a very genuine concern that he would one day bring home an STD or mistreat me in a way that I wouldn’t be able to hide from family, friends, or my child.
I stayed because marriage had always been a longtime ambition of mine. With grandparents who had been married nearly 70 years when my grandfather died, and parents who had been married for more than 42 years, I assumed that a long-lasting marriage was a foregone conclusion — or so I believed.
Having grown up in a family of married people, I told myself the story that my family got married and stayed married. I convinced myself that if I simply stayed with it and kept trying, my husband and I would ultimately figure it out and celebrate 60 years of marriage bliss.
We’d look back on those early years and be pleased that we’d made it.
Stories are just stories.
We tell ourselves many stories. About ourselves, other people, and the situations we confront and how we deal with them. And we believe stories even when there is no evidence that they are true.
We hold onto those stories because we know how they finish — and it’s much more reassuring to assume we know how things will turn out than to venture into the uncertainty of a fresh story that we don’t yet know how it will end.
We are imprisoned in miserable, unhealthy relationships because we cling to those stories. In addition, we tell ourselves that a toxic person isn’t truly toxic by refusing to let go of those stories.
And telling ourselves such stories is how we convince ourselves and others that we are happy even when we don’t receive what we desire.
However, stories are simply that: stories. They are made-up notions and plots that we have convinced ourselves we are or will be living. And, just as we made up one narrative, we may make up a different one.
You think about him all the time, but he thinks only about himself?
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.
He needs to be understood in his own way.
You’ll find there’s a subtle thing you can say to him that will dramatically change how he shows his emotions towards you once you do that.
Learn how to become his top priority in this free video by Relationship Psychologist James Bauer.
Don’t let fear win.
Fear is a strong emotion. It brings up recollections of former events and other stories we used to tell ourselves. This is something you need to clearly understand when finding the courage to leave your husband.
It pulls up additional tales we don’t even realize we’re telling ourselves — stories in which we are in pain or in danger because of the thing we fear — and uses those stories to convince us that staying where we are is our only option.
Fear, like fear of loneliness, for example, persuades you that no matter how horrible, dangerous, or sick a situation is, it is still preferable to the alternative.
It drives you to assume that it is preferable to remain with the certainty of this unpleasant position rather than seek the uncertainty of a new life outside it.
But fear robs you of your freedom. You are not free to make your own decisions while you live in fear. You make decisions based on fear, and most of the time, those decisions are nothing like what you’d do if you genuinely felt free to choose.
There were so many things I was terrified of when I was debating whether to stay or get divorced. I was frightened of not being able to financially support and care for my children.
I was worried about not being able to find work and about what my family and friends would think of me. Also, I was concerned about how my ex would react if I told him I wanted to leave him.
I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to find another relationship or fall in love again. I was worried that my children would blame me for not raising them in a traditional family. In additiona, I was afraid that people I didn’t even know would pass judgment on me.
But here’s the weird thing about all those fears: none of them came true.
Fear is not about something real. It’s about something in your mind.
Regardless of how genuine my concerns felt, none of them were ever realized.
I returned to school, found work, and cared for my children. My family and friends supported me in my decision. Of course, my ex was disappointed, but he was never in a position to punish me because of my decision.
My children are older, and they recognize that I made the best decision I could for our family. They don’t hold it against me.
They even admit that it has improved them in some respects because they did not have to grow up in a sad, unhealthy home.
I discovered love. It did not always last, yet it is still present.
And the folks I didn’t even know about who I was afraid would judge me? I woke up one day and understood that their opinions didn’t matter. Even if they did pass judgment on me, it had no bearing on my life.
Fear is not about what will undoubtedly occur. It is about what could happen.
Fear is intended to keep you from leaving the dark cave at night for fear of being eaten by a sabretooth tiger.
You could go out every night for a month and never see a mountain lion, but fear is what prevents you from going out there and dancing about while waving a steak in hopes of attracting the lion.
But, because we no longer live in caveman times, fear now strives to keep us away from everything it sees to be hazardous — and it frequently overreacts.
Finding the courage to leave your husband is scary, but don’t see it as a bad thing.
It’s frightening when you first begin to seriously consider divorce. It’s terrifying to consider leaving a marriage, no matter how horrible it is.
Leaving the stability of a second (or sole) source of income, a parenting partner, or a relationship you’ve spent years, if not decades, developing and growing.
Even when there is abuse, infidelity, or other significant difficulties that almost everyone would agree you should avoid, there is security in knowing what you’re up against. Knowing what to expect brings comfort, even if it comes with its own sense of nervousness and worry about what’s to come.
There are numerous doubts while deciding to end a marriage. Who will be in charge of the children?
Will you keep the house or sell it? How will the children react? What will your husband say? What kinds of interactions will you have with your ex-in-laws? Where will you be residing? How would you make ends meet if you lose your job?
Should you request child support? What about child support?
The inquiries can feel interminable and terrifying. Especially since so many of them cannot be answered until the divorce is finalized. There is no magical crystal ball that can predict how life will be after divorce.
You must make a decision based on trust. Have faith in your ability to succeed and that you’ll figure things out. Have faith that those you care about will support you, and that those who love your children will always prioritize them, regardless of what they think of your decision.
Finally, have faith that you and your husband will find a way to collaborate and raise your children in a new way.
It won’t be easy. But it might be necessary.
People will persuade you that divorce is the simple solution. It isn’t.
I had to move back home with my parents after my divorce. They had to assist me financially as I returned to school (to become a phlebotomist) and found work after three years as a stay-at-home mum.
They had to assist me with childcare while I was in school and then assist me in paying for it when I returned to work.
I had to return to court several times in order to have child support ordered and then enforced. To get my ex to help with childcare, I had to fight him.
When he dropped my kids from his health insurance, I had to fight both him and his company to get the paperwork I needed to place the kids on my own.
Choosing divorce is not an easy decision. In all honesty, I believe that staying in an unpleasant, unhealthy marriage is definitely the easiest option. Even if it’s awful, it’s familiar and comfy.
Admitting that your marriage isn’t working takes courage. Making the decision to go it alone requires courage. It takes bravery to let go of the stories you’ve been telling yourself and be willing to create new ones.
It requires courage to be willing to restart. Finally, it takes courage to admit that what you have isn’t working and to seek better for yourself, your children, and even your spouse.
Divorce is not an easy decision to make, but it has a significant impact. When you can finally confess that your marriage isn’t working and that you’ve tried everything to make it work, it might feel almost brave to split.
You may like: Breakup: How to Move On From Someone You Love
Letting go can be the most difficult thing you’ve ever done.
Getting the courage to leave your husband and filing for divorce was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.
It was necessary for me to let go of the notion that I would be married only once and for the rest of my life. It took letting go of the idea that my children would grow up with two loving, happy parents. Finally, it insisted that I abandon the story that I would be a stay-at-home mom until my children were grown and no longer required me.
But I didn’t have to simply abandon those stories in order to let them go. I was assigned to rework them. And in reworking them, I discovered not only new stories, but also a new me.
I discovered aspects of myself that I had never realized existed before. Parts that allowed me to raise my children as a single mother, return to school while caring for a toddler and newborn, and delve inside myself to discover what caused me to marry a man I didn’t want to be with and then stay with him for years despite knowing we were damaging each other.
Nothing about it was simple. But that doesn’t make it any less enjoyable. As difficult as it was, it was also the finest thing in the world for me and my children. It took a weight off my shoulders that I hadn’t realized was there. Despite the difficulties, I felt lighter, freer, and happier.
Finding the courage to let go of all the old stories and write new ones provided me with a life I could never have imagined. And it’s a life I wouldn’t change for the world.
How to get the courage (& strength) to leave your husband: A Step-by-Step Guide
Seek Professional Help
Whether you are the spouse who want to initiate the divorce or your husband has informed you that he is ready to leave the marriage, you may gain confidence after speaking with an appropriate specialist. A therapist, divorce coach, or family law attorney may be included. You don’t always know what you don’t know. Speaking with someone who has experience leading individuals through these dilemmas may give you the courage to take the next step.
I have a personal recommendation to make here:
Relationship Hero is a website where highly qualified relationship counselors help people navigate challenging and tough love issues, such as whether to fix or quit a relationship. They’re a popular resource for those facing similar challenges.
How do I know this?
Well, I contacted Relationship Hero a few months ago while I was going through a difficult period in my own relationship. They provided me with a unique insight into the mechanics of my relationship and how to get it back on track after I had been lost in my thoughts for so long.
My coach’s kindness, empathy, and genuine helpfulness astounded me.
In just a few minutes, you may connect with a qualified relationship counselor and receive guidance tailored to your specific circumstance.
Take Small Steps
If you are unhappy with the way things are but don’t want to get a divorce, you and your husband should talk about a trial separation. Living apart for a while could be a good way to test the waters before diving in headfirst.
Create a List
Consider all of the reasons why you might want to end your marriage, as well as all of the reasons why you might want to stay. Why are you in this relationship? What is causing you to consider leaving? Finding the answers to those questions may help you discover the courage to divorce.
Ignore the Opinion of Others
Are you concerned about what your friends and family will think of your divorce decision? Are you concerned about your religious community’s expectations that you stay married? You will never have influence over how people feel or think. Remember, this is a decision about you and your life.
Speak with Other Separated People
Speak with others who have gone through what you are going through. They might have had the same concerns you did before making their decision. Hearing their tales may offer you with the motivation and inspiration you require to make your decision.
Focus on the Positives Factors
Instead than focusing on the negative parts of leaving your husband, consider the positive outcomes. What would it be like to live your life on your terms? Will your children be happier now that their parents aren’t arguing? You can choose to focus on the good, no matter how difficult getting the courage to leave your husband may appear.
What if a relationship coach could help you?
Talking to a relationship coach can be very helpful if you are looking for specific advice regarding your situation.
This is something I have personally experienced…
When I was going through a tough patch in my relationship, I reached out to Relationship Hero. The insights they gave me into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track were invaluable for me after being lost in my thoughts for so long.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a website where highly trained relationship coaches guide people through difficult times in their love lives.
You can receive tailor-made advice for your specific situation within minutes by connecting with a certified relationship coach.
Despite being new to coaching, I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and helpful my coach was.
Take advantage of our exclusive $50 off offer for Sons Of Universe readers.
Related stories:
• How to break up with someone (and get the courage): 9 no regret steps to keep fear at bay
• The 5 Official Stages of a Breakup (Plus 5 Secrets to Getting Over It Fast)
