In a happy relationship, everything just sort of clicks. Sure, you might argue occasionally or encounter other hiccups, but generally speaking, you make decisions together, honestly enjoy each other’s company, and communicate any issues that come up.
The issue of toxic relationships is another. Relationship therapist Martha F. Delano claims that in a toxic relationship, you could frequently feel exhausted or sad after spending time with your partner, which may be a sign that something has to change.
Despite the fact that you still adore your partner, the relationship might not feel at all joyful right now. You two always seem to get on each other’s nerves or can’t seem to stop bickering over insignificant things. Instead of anticipating seeing them like you once did, you could even fear the notion of it.
Learn how to recognize toxic relationships so you can start building healthy ones in their relationship.
If you’re curious about the nature of your relationship, check out our article about the different types of relationships and how to deal with them.
A Toxic Relationship: What Is It?
A toxin is a dangerous chemical that has the potential to harm or even kill. So a toxic relationship is one that is unhealthy. Even death can be imminent. Even though we’ve all had our selfish moments and seasons, a truly toxic individual will continue to take without ever giving anything back. It’s like getting bit by a vampire and having your life sucked from you. You discover that you are sacrificing your feelings, wants, and joy in order to serve someone else.
Don’t get me wrong, a good relationship requires service and sacrifice. And so are difficulties, conflicts, forgiving, and discomfort. However, a healthy relationship gives both parties life. The difficulties and sacrifices move in the direction of kinship and affection.
By the way, although most people associate toxic relationships with toxic partnerships, they can also exist in partnerships with friends, in-laws, parents, siblings, and coworkers.
Toxic vs. Abusive Relationships
One essential cautionary note before we continue: Do not confuse toxic with abusive.
Abuse is a particularly toxic sort of behavior, and no one should put up with it for any length of time or reason.
Please contact the right specialists to receive help, including the police, if you or someone you know is caught in a physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1.800.799. SAFE. Your loved ones and you deserve to live in safety.
8 Indicators That Your Relationship Is Toxic
So how do we tell the difference between a relationship that is merely challenging and one that is actually toxic? Here are a few warning indicators you should look out for.
1. You don’t feel secure.
I don’t mean physically, either (although that would apply too). I’m referring to a feeling of emotional security. Can you communicate your ideas and thoughts to this person in an open manner? Does it matter what you say? Afraid of what they may do or say if you were brutally honest, do you feel like you’re constantly editing yourself?
People can both be imperfect and responsible in a relationship that is healthy. You can be honest with one another about the wonderful and shameful things that have happened to you as well as who has harmed you. You can be truly loved while also being fully seen.
Let’s be clear: You typically wouldn’t open up to your in-laws about your most painful experiences the way you might to a close friend. Various levels of safety exist based on the relationship. Understanding the complexity and variations of each relationship requires wisdom.
2. Your communication is poor (or nonexistent).
Every relationship depends on effective communication, but it’s simple to veer off course unintentionally. Because I was hesitant to voice my wants and desires, my wife and I have experienced toxic times. I would desire and make assumptions, and when my expectations weren’t met, I would condemn her, be incredibly disappointed, and develop resentment. We weren’t able to communicate until I opened up.
And make no mistake, being truthful doesn’t guarantee that things will turn out fine. It probably indicates that something unpleasant or painful will happen. That is typical. However, hiding your demands and aches from yourself just breeds bitterness.
Our fight, flight, or freeze reaction frequently gets activated during an emotionally intense interaction. Either you explode and confront the threat head-on, or you shut down and maintain a chilly stillness.
The use of gaslighting, word manipulation, dishonesty, and passing judgment on someone’s remarks without seeking clarification are other instances of dysfunctional communication.
3. You experience exploitation and neglect.
In central Sacramento, I reside in a wooded area. We made the decision to start a garden because we have so much room outside. Join me in imagining what would happen if I never fertilized, weeded, or watered my plants, leaving them to fend for themselves. It wouldn’t be a happy ending.
People require tending, much like my garden does—I don’t mean to sound like a hippie. You’re not in a healthy relationship if your spouse doesn’t respect and take care of your basic needs—not because you can’t, but rather because they care about you. You’re probably being taken advantage of in addition to being ignored.
4. You have a sense of self-loss.
People that are toxic tend to absorb, control, and shape others to suit their own objectives. The relationship is dominated by their goals and interests.
You frequently find yourself going against your morals, visiting unsettling locations, or spending time with people who make your anxiety symptoms worse merely to appease them.
Keep in mind that you have the power. You are responsible for identifying these tendencies and establishing sound limits, not your spouse. Your responsibility is to assert yourself, say no, and live in accordance with your ideals. But when you establish boundaries or live by your beliefs, toxic people frequently get resentful, annoyed, or furious.
Quick note: It can be challenging to view this on your own. Give your close friends or family members the go-ahead to intervene in your life if they notice you vanishing into someone else’s life. Those who are closest to us frequently see visions that we do not.
5. The norm is judgment, not curiosity.
Each of us has peculiar traits that both make life interesting and difficult. Curiosity, not judgment, is a relationship’s life force. It’s okay if you prefer to get up early and your partner prefers to sleep in. Asking “Why do you like sleeping in so late?” is preferable to telling someone to wake up earlier.
Beyond being strange, we all make mistakes. When we speak or act in hurtful ways, we trip on people’s toes or unintentionally walk into their land mines. People who care enough to point it out are what we need. Any worthwhile relationship must include the ability to be pushed and held accountable. However, a toxic individual will approach you with judgment rather than kindness. They’ll make advantage of your previous errors as a weapon.
6. You experience humiliation and embarrassment.
Do they make you feel inferior in any way? Do they make fun of you? Make you feel foolish or embarrassed? All of these exhibit emotional immaturity, which makes a relationship toxic. People who lack emotional maturity need to lean on a mountain of your transgressions, mistakes, and shortfalls. They often manufacture things or bring up old grudges when they can’t think of anything negative to criticize.
7. No one shows you empathy.
Put on a set of empathy glasses to experience the world through someone else’s perspective. Joy with those who rejoice and grieve with those who weep is what it means to do this. It involves deciding not to tell individuals who are happy why they should be grateful or to point out how fortunate they are how much misery there is in the world.
A toxic person is overly preoccupied with their own demands and desires, which causes them to be blind to the realities of those around them. When you share your heart and open yourself to a toxic individual, you will experience redirection rather than celebration and apathy rather than empathy. When you provide critical information with them, they can ignore you, focus the conversation on themselves, and try to outdo you when you offer a story.
8. The part you’re playing is dysfunctional.
In our adult relationships, we frequently recreate the relationship narratives from our youth. These narratives serve as our life’s route maps, for better or worse. For instance, a woman might wed a man who spends all his time playing video games on the couch in order to play the role of a mother. Or a child may decide to care for a parent who is an addict, thinking it is their responsibility to help their parent recover.
Being trapped in an unhealthy position is an indication of a toxic relationship because such a relationship cannot be both life-giving and nurturing for both parties. Are you with someone who is willing to change? Are you ready to advance? Because we can only begin to modify and repair our generational legacies when we begin to question our automated positions.
Extra-important indications to pay attention to include:
You experience manipulation or control.
A toxic person is driven to skew the power equation in their favor. They might continually check up on you or pester you about your whereabouts and activities. The relationship could be used as a weapon by your partner to coerce you. When you annoy them, they can withdraw, but when you do something “good,” they might rush back.
To find out if this is true, try thinking on a happy memory. You are likely being influenced or manipulated if you think, “Yeah, but [insert name here] will get angry,” right away.
You’re surrounded by anger all the time.
People that are toxic frequently criticize, make fun of, and are always sarcastic. Do you always approach this person with caution? Do they frequently express frustration? Also, do they ever lose it and rage out? A person who is frequently angry is not emotionally stable and cannot make a good companion. You can tell something is toxic when you feel like you have to conceal.
What to Do if Your Relationship Is Toxic
So, what exactly do you do with this knowledge? Is it possible to change a toxic relationship? Although I can’t provide you all the answers you need in a single piece, here are some things to think about as you proceed:
Leave the other person’s mind alone.
It’s alluring to pick apart and examine other people’s actions, particularly when that person has seriously injured you. But you’re wasting your time and your emotional energy by doing this. Instead of attempting to understand them, concentrate on what you have to offer.
On earth, you have just two things under your control: your ideas and your deeds. So stop thinking about them and concentrate more on yourself.
Realize that actions speak a language.
An act has a language. Even if they don’t use words, someone who consistently denigrates or harms you in a relationship is telling you everything you need to know. Again, read that.
Ask this: Do you think this is just a toxic season?
As I previously mentioned, my wife and I have had toxic times in our marriage. Life can be really difficult at times, and one of you (or both of you) may not be coping well. You may only need to persevere and show some extra grace if you’re going through a significant shift, having a child, grieving a loss, or are ill. Keep in mind that things will heal more quickly if you express your feelings, pains, and concerns right away.
Create a mental image of the kind of relationship you desire.
It’s possible that you’re so accustomed to toxic relationships that you have no relationship what a good one looks like. Permit yourself to daydream about how you would prefer to be handled. You can only have a happy, supportive marriage if you start each day by asking yourself, “How can I make my partner’s day better?” (And if they have similar opinions of you!) Giving 100% of one’s work, love, and intention to each direction is not a 50/50 split. When you consider prioritizing each other’s needs before your own, everyone benefits.
Even if you don’t yet know what amazing relationships look like for you, you are still worth having them.
You may also like; You may like: Out of a Toxic Relationship? What Happens When You Meet a Good Guy
Speak with a trusted friend or a therapist.
This cannot be accomplished by you alone. Open up to a reliable, kind, and experienced buddy who can give you some perspective. You might even require the services of a trained therapist. I make a job by advising others on how to handle relationships, yet I still visit a specialist frequently. Yes, it is uncomfortable, costly, and labor-intensive. Try it anyhow. You must; you have no choice.
Discover fresh relational tools.
Like everything else in life, relationship skills can be learnt. You may need to develop abilities like assertiveness, setting boundaries, forgiving yourself, confronting people, or vulnerability. Meeting with a mental health professional is one of the best ways to do this (see above), but there are also many books, podcasts, and other free resources available. Practice is the key to improving at utilizing new tools, just like with any other tool.
If you have to, leave.
It may be time to leave your relationship if it is wholly toxic, especially if you are dating the other person. Your troubles won’t be solved by marriage or having another child; in fact, it’s likely that they’ll get worse. It’s time to put an end to the fantasy and move on if you’re merely waiting around in the hopes that they’ll change eventually. You are worth wholesome connections.
The conclusion
However, you don’t have to watch helplessly as your relationship with your partner deteriorates due to toxic communication and behavior patterns.
A relationship therapist can assist you in starting to uncover the underlying causes of relationship toxicity and in exploring healthy, compassionate methods of communication and problem-solving when both you and your partner want to make changes.
Let Us Help
For a one-to-one live consultation, let me recommend RelationshipHero’s network, who provide empathetic, professional support with tailored advice on your relationship. They simply provide the best of traditional therapy, through a well-run live online service:
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