I Can’t Find Love (Why?): 18 Signals to Consider Before Saying It’s Not Your Fault

The highs and lows of love are like the highs of a drug we can’t get enough of.

We spend so much time and energy dreaming about finding the perfect partner, our soulmate or twin flame, the person who will complete our lives, but despite all our efforts, we just haven’t found him or her yet.

Is there a reason you can’t find love? It seems as if Cupid’s arrow hits everyone but you. Why?

These 18 reasons might be holding you back from finding love, and ways you can improve your chances.

Note: If you wish to learn more about the art of dating, be sure to also check out the article we dedicated to unconventional dating advice for women and the 12 golden tips you wish you’d known earlier.

1) You are not looking.

If you do NOT want to find love: Whether you like it or not, finding love entails going out there and hunting for it.
Countless romantic comedies have taught people that one of two things will happen:

1) The love of your life is someone from your past, and they will ultimately return to you so you two can live happily ever after.

2) The love of your life will cross your path while you’re on your way to work, and you’ll instantly feel attracted to them as you look in their eyes.

The problem with how movies portray love is that they imply that it will happen passively.

All you have to do is be present, and love will find its way to you.

How to find love: Go out and look for it! Sign up on dating sites, join new clubs and groups, and say yes when your friends invite you out (as long as it’s safe, of course).

When you question folks, “How did you meet?” you will notice one thing.

“, is that the stories are often some of the most bizarre and implausible you can imagine.

And that’s how love works: you never know where it’ll happen, but it never happens if you’re not looking.

You may like: 10 Tips on Dating Coaches You Need to Know (Before Hiring One)

2) You’re looking for the ideal partner.

If you do NOT want to find love: You have a clear vision of what you desire. You’re attempting to manifest the perfect man or woman with all of the attributes you’ve desired since you were a child.

You want them to be attractive or lovely, tall and affluent, educated and pleasant.

And, while they must be perfect, they must also be willing to tolerate all of your shortcomings, otherwise they do not truly deserve you.

How to find love: toss out your list. While having a type is acceptable, you shouldn’t let that kind define the only type of person you’ll ever consider dating.

You have no idea what the universe has in store for you, so don’t limit yourself to a very precise and extremely exclusive set of characteristics.

3) Do you want advice tailored to your individual situation?

While this article discusses the primary reasons you can’t find love, speaking with a relationship counselor about your circumstance can be beneficial.

You can get guidance tailored to your life and experiences by working with a professional relationship coach…

Relationship Hero is a website where highly qualified relationship coaches assist people in navigating hard and tough love circumstances, such as what to do when you can’t find love. They’re a popular resource for those facing similar challenges.

How do I know this?

I contacted them a few months back when I was going through a difficult time in my own relationship. They provided me with a unique insight into the mechanics of my relationship and how to get it back on track after I had been lost in my thoughts for so long.

My coach’s kindness, empathy, and genuine helpfulness astounded me.

In just a few minutes, you may connect with a qualified relationship counselor and receive guidance tailored to your specific circumstance.

To begin, click here.

4) You’re not in the right place.

If you do NOT want to find love: You live in a tiny town where everyone knows everyone, and you’re baffled as to why you can’t seem to find the guy or woman of your dreams.

You’ve tried dating every potential candidate in your neighborhood, and now you’re just resigned to the reality that your true love isn’t in your life.

It’s also possible that, despite being in a huge city, you’re hanging out with the wrong people.

Your pals and social circle are folks you’ve known for a long time, which is why you still hang out with them, but they aren’t really people you’d call your tribe.

So, while you can be cordial with them, getting romantically attached with them or their friends is difficult.

How to find love: You have to realize that you’re in the wrong area or with the wrong people at some time, and if you want to find love — a person who can truly penetrate your heart — you have to leave.

The thought of leaving everything behind and putting oneself in a new place or among new people can be frightening.

But it’s the only way you’ll be exposed to the potential of meeting someone you’ll fall in love with.

5) You have an excessive faith in fate.

If you do NOT want to find love: You’ve bought into the Hollywood myth and believe that love will happen when the cosmos has decreed it.

While there is nothing wrong with believing in destiny, believing in it too much can be damaging to your love hunt.

Instead of actively seeking love, you’ll convince yourself that you just need to sit back and let the universe take care of everything.

Because we believe that destiny is unavoidable, that something is fated to happen, if you’re destined to discover love, it will happen regardless of your choices.

How to Find Love: We’re not suggesting you shouldn’t believe in destiny, but it gets problematic when you use it as an excuse to stay in your comfort zone.

Destiny only works if you don’t think about it; simply do and act as your heart and intellect would normally, and your fate will follow.

6) You haven’t moved on from your ex.

If you do NOT want to find love: How can you fall in love if you’re still in love with your ex?

Even if you don’t love them, you may be resentful or frustrated, if not by them, then by the troubles you two experienced.

So every time you go on a date, you wind up transferring your pent-up cynicism about love and relationships onto your partner, and odds are you’ll never get a second date.

How to find love: Ask yourself if you’ve truly moved on. Is it time for me to attempt something new?

Too many people hurry into dating the next person because they don’t want to deal with the agony of their most recent break-up.

However, this results in a toxic rebound rollercoaster of a relationship, and neither one is pleased in the long run.

7) It’s hard for you to understand what they want.

If you do NOT want to find love: If you’re a woman who can’t seem to find love, you should understand what men expect from a relationship with you.

Furthermore, new research indicates that men are more influenced by biological instincts in their relationships than previously thought.

Men, in particular, desire to provide for and protect you. This desire is profoundly ingrained in their genetics. Men have always wanted to defend the women in their lives since the beginning of time.

Men still want to do this in this day and age. Of course, you don’t need him, but that doesn’t mean men don’t want to help you. It’s written into their DNA to do so.

Making your husband feel important activates his protective instincts and the most noble side of his masculinity.

Most significantly, it will elicit intense feelings of attraction in him.

And the best part?

When this thirst is not satisfied, a man will not fall love a lady.

How to find love: In a relationship, he must consider himself as your guardian. As someone you actually want and require to be with. Not as a simple accessory, “best friend,” or “co-conspirator.”

If you want a guy to commit to you in the long run, you must make him feel this way.

This scientific explanation of what guys truly desire is an intriguing take on what drives men romantically.

Relationship psychologist James Bauer first taught me about this biological drive. It’s no news that instincts drive human behavior, but James was the first to apply this to male-female interactions.

Click here to view a free video from James Bauer. He discloses a biological inclination in men that very few women are aware of. Understanding it could affect the course of your future relationship.

8) You have unsolved issues from your childhood.

If you do NOT want to find love: There are many dysfunctional homes and broken families out there – offspring of divorce or parents who constantly battled and bickered.

Being exposed to such negativity and violence at such a young age might have long-lasting effects on our minds.

Even though we believe we are emotionally normal and stable, we end up lashing out at our relationships in the way we were taught as children.

Because we haven’t been taught anything different about what a long-term relationship should be like.

How to find love: If this describes you, the solution isn’t to keep dating individuals until you find someone who can “handle with you.”

After all, even if you do eventually discover that really lovely and selfless individual, you will be trapped in a poisonous, broken relationship with both of them.

The solution is to face your problems and deal with them on your own.

Recognize the childhood trauma that is generating your harmful behavior and do whatever it takes to genuinely internalize it.

9) You believe you are completely deserving of love.

If you do NOT want to find love: We are told in books, movies, and fairy tales that genuine love is unconditional.

That if someone truly loves you, they will stick by you through thick and thin, for better or worse, and will always have your back no matter what storms you two may encounter.

How to find love: But unconditional doesn’t necessarily mean unconditional.

Unconditional love does not imply that your partner should continue to love you even if you’ve done everything wrong; if you’ve abused them (verbally or physically), taken them for granted, and persistently sniped at them.

There is always a limit, and if you’re looking for someone who will love you unconditionally — that is, love you precisely as you are, no matter what — you’ll be looking for an eternity.

Instead of assuming they’ve let you down or even betrayed you because they couldn’t take you at your worst, you should be eager to win their love anytime it begins to wane.

10) You’re pushing too hard.

If you do NOT want to find love: We understand that you want love more than anything else.

You’re getting older, you want to settle down and start making a life and family with someone, and your friends and family are constantly encouraging you to start dating.

So, if you go on a date, you can hear the wedding bells ringing from the first minute.

Even if you don’t openly state your want, people can detect desperation from a mile away. And few things are less enticing than desperation.

How to find love: Relax and calm down if you want to discover love. Take things leisurely and seek peace.

Even if you meet the perfect man or woman and want to lock them down right away, you must remember that dating is still a game in which you must play your cards correctly.

Coming on too strong, too soon might make folks uncomfortable. You must give them the notion that they must work for you in some capacity.

11) You are not being your authentic self.

If you do NOT want to find love: According to Psychology Today, one widespread human practice is to act “like if.”

This suggests that if you want to be happy, you should do what happy people do until you are happy (also known as “fake it till you make it”).

However, according to a research published in the Journal of Consumer Research, acting “as if” may become a one-way ticket to obsessing on your mistakes and deficiencies and may never lead to success.

When looking for the proper individual, we frequently put our best foot forward.

We clean our house meticulously, dress properly, take our loved ones to higher-end establishments, refrain from cussing, and so on, but this isn’t who we truly are.

And this conduct may be harmful since we are not being our authentic selves.

The person we are attempting to court falls in love with the person we are pretending to be, and when we are unable to maintain that persona, we become bitter.

We’re tired of pretending to be someone else and may even wonder, “Why don’t they love me?”

The truth is that they don’t know who you are.

While this isn’t always a terrible thing, it’s unsuited in the long run.

You might not be alone.

After putting their best foot forward, the person you’re seeking to court may feel the same way.

You can realize you don’t love them if they falter and this projected personality falls short.

How to find love:

We spend years looking for love in a partner when, in reality, we’d all be much happier inside if we invested the same amount of time, love, and care on ourselves.

Spend some time getting to know yourself. Fill yourself with the affection and attention you crave from others.

When you build that inner relationship, everything else begins to fall into place.

12) You take your dates for granted.

If you do NOT want to find love: It’s not that you have trouble getting into relationships; perhaps you’re an expert at short-term relationships, but they never wind up being “the one.”

That could be an indication of a problem you’re having:

When you’re in a relationship, you no longer perceive your spouse as a different person with their own goals and needs, but as an extension of yourself.

Their goal as your extension is to satisfy your wants – do what you want, say what you want, and never expect anything in return.

How to find love: While some partners may be prepared to put up with such behavior for a while, it almost always marks the end of the relationship in the long term.

Remember, just because your spouse has already said “I love you” and you’re planning your future together doesn’t mean you should stop worrying about how you treat them.

In fact, as the relationship develops, you should care more about how you treat your partner, so they know they’re putting time in something that will get better, not worse, over time.

13) You keep sabotaging relationships.

If you do NOT want to find love: Think about how many exes you have.

You might not even consider most of them exes; just flings or short-term partners because you two ended it before things could get serious.

But how exactly are your relationships coming to an end?

Either you’re experiencing a string of terrible luck — choosing mismatched partners one after the other — or you’re doing something to either make them break up with you or convince yourself that they will eventually break up with you.

How to discover love: There are a variety of reasons why you may be sabotaging your relationships, including:

• You aren’t yet ready for something substantial.
• You become anxious when a relationship begins to develop.
• You want to stay on the field, but you refuse to admit it.
• You believe you are unworthy of love.

Whatever your problem is, you must confront it and overcome it before you can begin dating again.

Otherwise, the pattern of destroying your own relationships would continue for years.

14) You have no idea what you desire (since you have no idea who you are).

If you do NOT want to find love: One of the most important pieces of advice on how to find love is to be as open to new experiences, places, and activities as possible.

If you want to meet someone you’ve never met before, you should avoid staying in the same social circles and networks your entire life.

The issue arises when you go too far: you have no standards or expectations, and you end up not knowing what you want.

You’ve fallen in love dozens of times, but it only lasts a few days or weeks before you’re sick of it.

And the trouble is that you’re falling in love with the novelty of meeting someone new rather than with the person themselves.

How to discover love: While you should remain open to new experiences, you should also approach the process with your own set of general parameters for what you want in a relationship.

And the greatest way to figure it out is to ask yourself, “Who are you, and what do you want out of life?”

What type of lover would best complement you and assist you in becoming the best version of yourself?

Once you’ve determined that, you can narrow down your search for a compatible partner.

15) You’re terrified of being rejected.

If you do NOT want to find love: If you’re terrified of being rejected, you won’t put yourself out there.

You are not alone in your fear of failure or rejection. We can overcome fear by pushing forward with what frightens us, but certain situations cause us to withdraw farther into ourselves. It is not uncommon for us to allow our worries to control us.

According to this article in Psychology Central, the symptoms of rejection anxiety are as follows:

• Perspiring palms
• Exhausted breathing
• A rise in heart rate
• Communication difficulties

These symptoms are similar to those reported by those suffering from anxiety since they originate in the same region.

This reaction causes us to withdraw, which could be why you’re not finding love.

Your one true love, on the other hand, may be feeling the same way. They may never contact you because the choices are limitless—and not all of them are positive. You might never approach them again for the same reason!

When we fear rejection, our self-esteem drops, which increases our vulnerability to being hurt by others.

So, even if our one true love approaches us, their statements may make us feel bad and rejected—even if they don’t mean to.

If this happens frequently enough, we stop putting ourselves out there for fear of being rejected by someone with whom we become vulnerable.

According to Choosing Therapy, when our fears become internalized, they affect various aspects of our lives:

• Emotional and psychological state
• Prejudices and attitudes
• Personal connections
• Mate choice
• Interpersonal communication style
• School or career choice
• Workplace performance

The longer we hide, the more damage we may cause.

How to find love:

• Consider the worst-case scenario when approaching someone. They may reject you, but have you not previously rejected others? It’s normal to worry that they’ll push you away or say something hurtful, but getting past this fear will help you find love. We sometimes have to sift through the ruins to locate the treasure.

• If your fear arises from a traumatic experience in the past, try to work through it at your own pace using any method you are comfortable with. If you’re comfortable talking to someone, even if it’s only a close friend, do it. When we talk about our anxieties, they become less real.

• Make a list of the reasons you believe someone would reject you and brainstorm additional reasons why you believe they would reject you based on this assessment. Perhaps your fear of rejection arises from a lack of self-esteem. (If this is the case, please continue reading!)

• Work on your self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself and think that you deserve to be loved. Rejection is difficult, but it does not have to rule your life.
  

16) Do you love yourself enough?

If you do NOT want to find love: Your incapacity to love yourself may be the source of your inability to find the one. Maybe you laughed, maybe you nodded, maybe you were astonished, but are you ready to take the next step? Are you ready to fall in love with yourself?

When we don’t value ourselves, we may look for someone to fill the void inside of us. We may feel empty and unloved if we do not receive the love we seek.

This is not something to be embarrassed about. How can we accept the love that is presented to us if we do not love ourselves?

We often push away the things we believe we don’t deserve, which causes us to isolate ourselves from those who love us.

We may not even contemplate the possibility that someone loves us. What follows is a downward spiral of feeling miserable and rejected.

However, it’s possible that your loved one isn’t the reason you’re not living in a fairy tale. You may even see “proof” of their unwillingness to love you.

However, this implies that you may be projecting your sentiments about yourself onto other people.

According to latest statistics:

• Men prefer to be respected rather than adored.
• The majority of women wonder if they are truly loved.
• Men spend a lot of time worrying about how they will provide for their families.
• Most women would prefer their husbands to prioritize family over work.
• Most men need to think about things before speaking about them.
• The majority of women feel the urge to express their thoughts aloud.

With these considerations in mind, you may be able to understand why we behave the way we do and why we need to respect our significant others and ourselves.

17) You’re cut off.

If you do NOT want to find love: How can you expect to discover love if you don’t emotionally connect yourself to others?

Sometimes the simplest solution to an inability to find satisfying love is to seek within. We sometimes cause our own troubles.

If you’re emotionally unavailable or don’t trust easily, you might fortify your fortress with stone walls and stationed guards when someone tries to get to know you.

There are many reasons why humans erect barriers, and some are simpler to explain than others; some are more easily addressed than others.

One of the most common reasons people construct walls is because they have been hurt in the past. And we’ve all heard that it’s easier said than done to let go of previous hurts.

Our ability to go ahead is hampered by our inner critic, especially when the wounding is deep.

Regardless, we must remember that being shut out does not make us horrible people.

Because we are afraid of getting wounded again, we may respond badly to particular situations or hurt the sentiments of others.

We may be resistant to receiving love because we are unsure of the outcome.

Our minds fight against us to drown out the happiness that should accompany a new romance.

While some may consider this action to be impolite, this is not always the case. It’s scary to be vulnerable with someone, and it’s okay to be scared. Fear keeps us secure, but it may also make us unhappy.

So, while you’re not a nasty person by any means, sealing oneself off to people and chances makes it tough to let others in.

If their efforts are constantly blocked, they may give up, and you may miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

When your inner critic begins to chirp in your ear, consider what the future may contain and remember to focus on the positives to create a good connection.

But what really is a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship should include (from both parties) the following:

• Trust
• Interaction
• Be patient
• Compassion
• Attachment and interest
• Adaptability
• Consideration
• Potential for expansion
• Be respectful
• Mutuality
• Effective dispute resolution
• Personality and boundaries
• Transparency & honesty

Remember that you are deserving of love.

Where to Look for Love:

• Examine why you can’t let others in and make a list of the reasons you believe you’re shut down. It is not impossible to find love if you do not trust others. Love is waiting for you with open arms; all you have to do is look for it.

• Make an effort to communicate openly with others. They will be patient with you and your requirements if they are understanding. Don’t be hesitant to question them why they aren’t being patient. While it is vital to understand how people perceive us, it is even more crucial to be happy in our own skin, so that if they are harsh in reaction, you have your own permission to move on from that person and towards a brighter future.
  

18) You don’t know how to be seductive while playing the game.

If you do NOT want to find love: This is especially true for people who have “forgotten” what it’s like to date.

Maybe you were in a long-term relationship for several years, or even over a decade, and it just didn’t work out.

After such a long period of being coupled up, you find yourself suddenly back on the market.

What is the issue? You’ve lost your ability to market yourself. You’ve lost your sexiness.

You simply expect the next person you date to fall in love with you, rather than playing the game, creating intrigue, and presenting yourself as attractive as possible.

How to find love: Dating is a game, whether you like it or not. While honesty and transparency are important, no one wants to know your entire life story, all of your secrets, and every thought going through your mind on the first date.

Build intrigue and mystery, and gradually introduce yourself to your potential new partner. Give them a sample here and there and make them want to see you again, ideally soon.

A couple more factors to keep in mind you can’t ignore.

You simply do not have the time right now.

If you do NOT want to find love: You have a job, a social circle, a family, hobbies, and a dozen other interests.

You get up early practically every day because you have a hundred things to do, yet you almost never go to bed feeling like you’ve completed everything.

You know in the back of your mind that you’d love to find someone to share all of this with, but you keep pushing it to the bottom of your to-do list: go out on a date.

How to Find Love: It takes time to find love. Building a relationship isn’t easy; it’s more than just going on a date once every two weeks or once a month.

Love is now a daily obligation of short discussions and reminders here and there, especially in this day and age of constant communication.

And if you don’t have the time, that’s fine; you just can’t fit it into your schedule right now. Nothing is wrong with that.

But, if you want to find love, keep in mind that you’ll have to sacrifice something else in your day to make room for a completely new person in your life.

You already found it. (Your love)

Take a look about you right now. You’ve spent your entire life looking for love, but the truth is that you may have found it a long time ago.

But you gave up on the relationship too soon, or something stupid and trivial happened to separate you.

But you know in your heart that you love them and would do anything to rekindle that old relationship.

It won’t hurt to try again and see what happens.

Conclusions

To sum this post up, here are the most important topics discussed throughout:

• Puttig your best foot forward is a good way to start a relationship, but only if you show your significant other your true self.
  
• Love may not come to you; instead, you may have to sift through the ruins to find the treasure.
  
• Rejection is frightening, but you can overcome it and find the love you seek. You have control over your emotions.
  
• You must comprehend what the other person desires. A man’s responsibility is to provide for and protect his wife. It is up to the woman to activate this instinct.
  
• If you push away those who love you, you may need to break down some barriers and have some fun before you can fully appreciate love.
  
• Love should not be based on high or low standards; instead, respect yourself and those around you by setting realistic expectations and seeing where that leads you in your love life.
  
• If you’re feeling unloved by those around you, it’s possible that you don’t love yourself enough. You cannot receive love when you do not love yourself.
  
  

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