In terms of what it means to love another person, people have different views.
There are some people who see love as transactional, while there are others who see it as unconditional.
This is everything you need to know about the transactional nature of love.
If you’re curious about the nature of your relationship, check out our article about the different types of relationships and how to deal with them.
If love is transactional, what does that mean?
Let us first define the term “transactional.” If something is transactional, it is dependent on someone receiving something in exchange for something else.
We often conceive of transactions in monetary terms, but they can also involve energy and expectations.
Consider this: If I do this, you must do this in return.
A transaction involving time and energy may occur in the sphere of love.
For example, one person may believe: I’ve dedicated this much of my time and energy to supporting you with a specific task, therefore now you must assist me when the opportunity arises.
It’s a pact between two individuals – one that’s often unspoken yet common in many relationships.
If love is transactional, it can be interpreted as conditional.
In other words, your love is conditional; you do not simply love someone unconditionally. You don’t just like someone for who they are.
In a relationship founded on unconditional love, you don’t love them more because they cook for you; you wouldn’t love them any less if they stopped cooking completely.
Meanwhile, conditional love is founded on one person wanting something in return from the other. Your relationship is subject to conditions!
Study.com experts explain:
“A transactional relationship occurs when a couple views marriage as a business transaction.” Like when one partner brings home the bacon and the other partner cooks it, sets the table, and washes the dishes while the breadwinner watches football.”
I’m sure you can think of many similar relationships you’ve seen or heard about.
I can definitely think of several relationships in my life when this give-and-take is really noticeable.
This interaction has always existed between my boyfriend’s parents, for example.
His father would work all day as a builder, sweating it out on the job site, while his mother would prepare his meals for the day and have dinner ready at home for his return. Furthermore, she would look after the children in exchange for the money he earned.
Even though they’re retired and the kids are grown, he still expects her to cook all of the meals and look after him while he does the housework.
I’ve seen her roll her eyes at his supper demands – so it’s not something she enjoys doing, but rather there’s an expectation that she should do it in exchange for his work that day.
The issue of transactional Love
A transactional romantic relationship may be troublesome in terms of imposing gender roles.
My boyfriend’s parents are a wonderful illustration of this, as you can see.
In exchange for a male going out to work and providing for the family, a woman may be perceived as having a responsibility to look after the home and make it nice for her husband when he returns.
Simply said, transactional love comes with a lot of expectations.
According to Psychology Today,
“A transactional love relationship is one in which a person keeps track of what they give and receive from their spouse.” It is a habit, which means it is deeply ingrained in a person’s subconscious and mentality.”
Keeping track of things can be risky and lead to numerous conflicts between couples, where one person claims the other person hasn’t done their weight or fulfilled their end of the bargain.
This has happened to me in my relationships in the past.
We used to fight about stuff like cooking and cleaning when I lived with my ex-boyfriend.
I would frequently feel like I needed to clean more and make this point. He would respond with things he was doing, and so on.
Essentially, we were attempting to demonstrate to each other that we were doing our part to keep the relationship balanced.
We put too much emphasis on the concept of give-and-take, which is essentially transactional, rather than doing things for one other simply because we wanted to.
But, wait a minute, aren’t all relationships transactional in some way?
According to one Quora user, all relationships are transactional.
But why is that?
He states:
“The transaction is the essence of morality, and one or more parties freely enter into an agreement with concise terms of engagement, indicating each party’s rights and duties.” The basic contract’s goal is to gain net value.”
In other words, he proposes that two people agree on their duties in the relationship, making it transactional on some level.
He contends that the primary outcome of human transactions is value.
Furthermore, he believes that the transactional nature of a relationship is required for its success.
He explains that “the success and health of any relationship is a result of the exchange of value between participants.”
In essence, he sees nothing wrong with transactional relationships.
I understand what he means: if a relationship is one-sided, when one person pays for everything and does everything for the other, it is objectively bad.
But he does emphasize one point: the connection is more essential than the transaction.
As long as connection is prioritized and there is genuine love between two individuals, the transactional element of the relationship should not be seen negatively.
He elaborates:
“There is a critical hierarchy that I try to emphasize about the connection being more essential than the transaction, but that doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t transactional.”
Simply put, as long as the transaction isn’t the reason two people are together, it shouldn’t be considered intrinsically wrong.
He feels that many people are caught up in the “fallacy of unconditional love,” which implies that two people are together with no restrictions on the relationship.
‘Unconditional love,’ as he describes it, is also known as relational love.
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What is the distinction between transactional and relational (unconditional) love?
According to Psychology Today, transactional relationships do not have to be the norm and that relationships can also be “relational.”
According to the experts, transactional relationships are less equitable and can be compared to slavery rather than a partnership.
That is, in my perspective, what I observe with my boyfriend’s parents.
I have the impression that his mother is a slave to his father, who has certain expectations of her – both because she is a woman and because it has been the standard throughout their 40-year marriage.
Transactional relationships, on the other hand, are more on the give-and-take and what a person receives out of a relationship (from sex to having their food and laundry taken care of) whereas relational partnerships are not about what people give to each other.
The premise is that in a relational connection, people never hold anything against each other.
It is advised that a person would never say to their partner, “I did this for you, so you need to do this for me.”
According to Marriage.com,
“A true collaboration is a unified front. God and the state do not view spouses as adversaries; they regard them as one thing. True couples don’t mind what they give to their lovers; in fact, true couples embrace it.”
Tansactional relationships have a narrative that is more results-oriented, self-focused, and problem-solving. Whereas relational relationships are more about accepting and thinking notions like ‘we both win or we both lose together.
They argue that a transactional relationship is all about making assessments and setting expectations throughout the relationship. It can even feel harsh and full of judgment and blame.
A relational partnership is developed from a point of understanding and is rich in validation elsewhere.
Rather than asking yourself, “What do I get?” Someone in a relational engagement may ask themselves, “What can I give?” in a transactional dynamic.
The main point is that someone in a relationship is stated to cheerfully give to their partner without believing they’ve done something to gain something else in return.
It’s similar to being completely unselfish.
That’s how I’m acting in my current relationship. I’ll gladly do the dishes, tidy up, and make things lovely for my partner’s return. Not because I demand anything from him, but because I want him to feel good when he returns.
I’m not going to hold it against him if he doesn’t do the same for me again.
In essence, there is a shift in a relational partnership away from things being oriented on what a person gets out of the relationship and what the arrangement is.
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