When Nice is “Too Nice”: How To Stop Being Miserable (Without Ruining Your Relationships)

Is it bad to be too nice? And how can you tell if you’re being overly nice?

I will never forget these words: “Don’t talk to me that way.”

It was the checkout line at a grocery store in New York. I was 21 years old at the time. My first time standing up for myself felt amazing. 

I was raised to be courteous. I was brought up to be nice.

However, I was downright miserable.

I was in a relationship with a cheating boyfriend. And I responded by giving him permission to continue cheating on me. (You read that correctly). I didn’t want to lose him, so I tried to remain calm. “You’re still a student!” “We’re traveling a long distance!” “It’s perfectly fine!” And then I’d hide behind a pillow and cry.

At the time, I was working in a group home. My coworkers and managers were constantly telling me to advocate for myself. They described me as “too nice.”

I had no idea that was a thing. How can you possibly be “too nice”? You’re being selfish if you’re not being nice, right? When the girls in the group broke the rules, I’d send them home with negative points.

He’d curse at me. And then I’d cry in the restroom.

I was crying a lot at the time.

But, hey, I was nice, wasn’t I?

Is being too nice a bad thing? (How to Tell If You’re Being Too Nice)

Being nice is acceptable. It feels nice to do nice things. However, abandoning your own goals, needs, and desires to make someone else happy is a slippery slope into “too nice” area.

Friends, I’m not talking about making a deal. I’m referring about giving in to another person’s demands while actively denying your own. And then you feel pretty bad about yourself. But, because you’re so “nice” and cherish other people’s feelings above all else, you have to squash those bad feelings.

Signs that you’re being too nice to others

So, how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from nice to too-nice? There are five key things to keep an eye out for.

1) Being pleasant even when your opinions disagree

Being a yes man or woman by withholding dissenting opinions, even when you know they are relevant, is a sure indicator you are too nice.

This pleasantness can spread to other regions. You will frequently conform to others’ suggestions, needs, and objectives without voicing your own.

2) Avoiding any conflict for fear of upsetting others

A red flag is also the avoidance of confrontation or conflict.

Those who do this frequently allow negative things to be said or done to them because it is preferable to the tension that speaking up would entail.

3) Idle ruminations about others

Another clue that you are being too nice is if you frequently find yourself obsessing on what others said or appeared to get away with after the event.

This can also lead to feelings of resentment or depression about how things turn out. From evenings out with pals to travel plans to work schedules.

4) Putting others ahead of oneself

Being too nice might also appear as not competing for a job, a relationship, or something else valuable to you because you are worried about the consequences.

5) Fear of carrying out your commitments

You may be aware that you are not performing elements of your jobs and responsibilities because you are frightened of causing conflict with others. For example, if you are having difficulty managing your employees or your employer, or your connection with your neighbors.

Why am I so nice?

First and foremost, you were most likely raised to be nice. I was reared by wonderful parents who valued love and compassion. I’m not sure how things devolved into Doormat Land, but it wasn’t their fault.

Second, and more crucially, being overly accommodating is frequently a sign of low self-esteem. When you don’t appreciate yourself, you’ll seek approval from others.

But this is a vicious cycle: seeking approval from others reinforces the notion that your own interests, needs, and aspirations are unimportant. You depart from your true self. And it’s easy to lose track of who you are.

You exchange liking others for liking yourself. You find yourself running after other people’s approval. You’re afraid that someone won’t like you or will have negative ideas about you.

Because your entire worth is determined by their views and feelings. If someone doesn’t like you, it merely reinforces all of your bad self-perceptions.

According to Lyn Leahz‘s Quora discussion:

Too nice is when you begin sacrificing your moral beliefs, values, and more as well as when the other person is treating you abusively.

Being too nice harms your relationships.

To add insult to injury, when your confidence is low and you seek affirmation from others, you are more likely to attract jerks into your life (see ex-boyfriend reference above).

These are the ones who will take advantage of your kindness. Because we tend to attract folks who share our mental health.

We’ve discussed how Too Nice People are frequently dissatisfied because their needs are not being addressed. And this is when things become complicated.

Because you want to be nice. However, you’re also irritated about it.

So you’re attempting to white-knuckle some nice conduct to get others to do what you want, but you’re privately gritting your teeth and hating the person the whole time. And this will undermine your efforts to be nice.

You’re also likely to keep score. You do nice stuff! Why don’t others return the favor? Why can’t people recognize what you need and provide it?

When will it be your turn?

Friends, here’s some good news: People cannot read people’s minds. No one knows what you require unless you express it.

However, asking for what you require implies that you recognize your own worth. Which is difficult to achieve if you don’t believe it.

How can I stop being so nice?

So, how do you determine your worth? How do you boost your self-esteem? Here are some things to think about:

1. Stop searching outside of yourself for your worth. There is no career, relationship, or nice wardrobe that will convince you that you are sufficient. Your thoughts create your confidence. That’s the end of the narrative.
2. Recognize the thoughts that lead to your people-pleasing. Do you think it’s selfish to take care of yourself? Why? How is that not correct? How does people-pleasing manipulate and harm those around you?
3. Visualize yourself sticking up for yourself. Let’s start with those after-the-fact imagined talks you have in the vehicle, the shower, or in the mirror (you know you do it). How does it make you feel when you act them out? Now get to work.
4. Remember that you are not responsible for the feelings of others. People’s feelings are influenced by their beliefs, not by your actions. Your acts are agnostic. They will make what they will of it.
5. Take a chance. Begin small. “No, thank you,” tell the cable TV representative at Walmart. Walk down the shopping mall, saying “No thank you” to everybody who offers you a flyer. Or, if you’re like me, speak up when a cashier is nasty to you.

Conclusion

To be honest, I still battle with people-pleasing and being “too nice.” My case is now considered minor, yet it still comes up. I’ve gone a long way since I gave my lover permission to cheat on me. I am aware of my worth. And it’s given me the life I have now.

But it all started with that encounter with a cashier in a New York grocery shop. I’m not sure what she said or how she said it. That is unimportant.

What matters is how I concluded it wasn’t okay at the time. And I asked her gently to stop.

It wasn’t the end of the world. I wasn’t struck by unpopularity lightning. She didn’t go insane. And she just stopped. The reason is that I asked her to. It was amazing how it felt. 

You, too, can feel amazing.