Somewhere in that dimly lit conference hall, Matthew Hussey—yes, the world-renowned dating coach—paused mid-sentence, scanning the room before saying: “When a man tells you that you deserve someone better… believe him. But not for the reason you think.”
I remember gripping my pen tighter. That line hit differently. It made me think of a guy who said the exact same thing to me. Back then, I thought it was noble. Maybe even selfless. Turns out, I was wrong.
I’m Claire Delli Santi, and today, I’ll tell you the brutal truth behind why he says that—and what it actually means for you.
And if this whole ‘what does he really mean?’ puzzle has you questioning relationships altogether, you’ll love this deep dive into different relationship dynamics and how they actually work.
Key Nuggets
- “You deserve better” often means he’s just done with the relationship. Not selfless—just an easy exit.
- Some men use this phrase to avoid looking like the bad guy. It’s a break-up shortcut, not honesty.
- If he truly thought you deserved better, he’d step up, not step aside. Actions > excuses.
- Waiting for a man to “feel worthy” is like saving a seat for a ghost. Invest in yourself instead.
When he claims that you deserve better, he’s trying to convey this.
One of the trickiest things to understand is this. Some guys genuinely believe you deserve better. Some people seem to be merely telling you this while hiding something. He actually means one of them when he says you deserve better.
1) You actually deserve better.
Guys with poor self-esteem may truly believe they are unworthy of you. By this, they imply that you can find someone far better. Actually, a number of factors might be to blame for this. Maybe they don’t find them to be cute. They may believe they don’t have enough money or good stuff.
He likely feels that you deserve more because of whatever led to their negative self-perception. Find out what that reason is by asking him about his feelings.
It’s critical to keep in mind that he might be expressing this sentiment out of a desire to remain the same. One may start to feel more positive about themselves. But that does not imply that he is prepared to work hard to achieve that. To change, he must genuinely wish to do so.
Also, learn why these questions to ask your partner are so important.
2) He’s going to hurt your feelings.
He might genuinely mean that you deserve better than what he can offer. But let’s be real—some guys use this as a simple answer to a complex situation. I once mistook it for a compliment.
Turns out, he just wanted a no-strings-attached relationship. If your relationship status isn’t aligned with his intentions, listen closely—he’s waving a red flag.
3) He’s fairly certain that he’ll harm you.
Maybe he’s not out to be a horrible person, but deep down, he knows he’ll cause you pain. Whether it’s fear of commitment, emotional unavailability, or unresolved relationship issues, he’s warning you.
Mature people don’t just leave things unsaid—so ask the hard questions. If he can’t handle a real dialogue with conversation starters, that’s your answer.
You may also like:
Transactional love: is this how relationships work? (All you need to know)
Feel Like You Lack Appreciation in Your Relationship? 8 Smart Things to Do
4) He is unable to provide for your needs in a partnership.
It’s not always about love—it’s about life balance. Maybe he’s emotionally distant, works overtime, or just doesn’t make extra time for you.
If you constantly feel like you’re the one adjusting, reconsider if he’s really relationship material. A good partner doesn’t make you feel like you’re taking care of people—he meets you halfway.
5) He doesn’t see a future for the two of you
Possibly, you won’t be in his future at all. This is a wonderful approach to end things with you in this situation. He’s using this term to appear polite rather than informing you that he doesn’t want to spend a significant amount of his life with you. In all honesty, he simply doesn’t want to be with you and believes that his life would be better off without you.
6) He’s not willing to invest the necessary time or effort.
A guy might not always offer you what you deserve. Perhaps his past hurts him still. He can be upset about a former relationship. He’s not manipulating you or giving you false hope; he’s just letting you know that he won’t seek you nonstop. Even worse, he could not treat you fairly. Take what he says literally and leave rather than hoping that things will improve.
Is it a struggle to convince him to spend time with you?
Understanding males on a much deeper emotional level is the key to finding a solution.
With a few subtle comments you might make to him, you can actually modify the main reason why men react in this way.
Learn how to become his top priority in this free video by Relationship Psychologist James Bauer.
7) Your partner believes you want to hear it.
He really does mean it when he says that you deserve better. It’s his attempt to convey to you how highly he regards you. Men believe that you deserve the entire world when they declare that you deserve better. This is typically spoken following the start of a relationship.
Because they believe you deserve the best of everything, men who are in love with you will frequently assert that you deserve better.
8) Quit squandering your time.
It’s his way of saying that even if he thinks highly of you, he doesn’t want to do anything with you. He’s warning you to leave rather than telling you the truth in a direct manner. If a man tells you at first that you deserve more, take that as a warning about what to expect if you pursue him further.
9) He believes you are arrogant.
It’s a nice way of telling him that you’re not on the same level as him, attitude and all. This can be the case because you earn more money or have a better job. However, it usually has to do with a person’s disposition. Another reason to pay attention to what he has to say before leaving is because of this.
10) He just wants to end the relationship.
Perhaps he found another person. Maybe he doesn’t want to admit that he has been having extramarital affairs with you for months on end. He’s over the relationship for whatever reason, and he won’t be honest with you.
Just accept what your partner is saying when he tells it to you after a breakup. He finds it difficult to be sincere. He is also making an effort to soften the blow for you.
11) Attainment-seeking conduct
He seeks affirmation rather than ending things with you. Your guy may act in this way for a variety of reasons. He wants to know that you appreciate all that he does for you. Some people say things like this to try to make you feel good about themselves.
This may be the reason if your partner exhibits other attention-seeking behaviors or seems to constantly seek your approval.
12) He believes your time spent with him will leave you disappointed.
He doesn’t believe he can provide you with the kind of relationship or lifestyle you’re used to. For instance, he might not be able to afford the beach vacation you’re used to taking. You might be accustomed to a man who can fix things but always needs to call a pro. In any event, he is not the appropriate match for you.
13) His life will make yours more stressful.
A man who says this is aware of your pleasant, carefree lifestyle. He is also fully aware that his life will degrade yours by one or two levels. For instance, it’s possible that his children are heathens and will destroy all of your fine possessions. Perhaps he is aware that your life will be affected by the drama in his family.
A couple more insightful reasons why he may say “you deserve better”
He wants to ensure that you’ll accept him as your partner.
In every relationship, one person “reaches” and one person “sets,” so the saying goes. He thinks you’re the one being reached for, and he wants to be sure you’re prepared to compromise. He does that to force you to make a decision.
However, you must choose wisely when making that choice. This is crucial, especially if you’re just starting to date and don’t know him very well.
He doesn’t lead a typical life
There are always exceptions to the rule that some men work and then go home to their families. There will also be the person who is progressively turning to crime as a career and will spend the rest of his life behind bars. Then there is the workaholic who simply refuses to give you even a moment of his time.
Alternatively, the person who frequently travels for employment. Any relationship may suffer as a result of those protracted professional trips. Pay attention to him when he suggests that you deserve a normal existence.
When he claims that you deserve better, what should you do?
Men who feel inadequate frequently seek out a particular response. Avoid falling for that. You ought to pay attention to them instead. There are several reasons why you should take this warning seriously.
He is unwilling to tell the whole truth.
He has chosen to use this cliché in place of telling you about a mental disorder or a poor self-image. You are left wondering. In general, it’s an attempt to stay clear of arguments and damaged sentiments. That is a self-centered action, and it reveals a lot about his personality. Discussion of those topics is necessary for honest, healthy communication. You won’t get that if you continue to be here.
He will not be improving himself
If he says that, it indicates that he is not willing to work on himself. You shouldn’t count on him to solve whatever problem exists. Or don’t even bother. He can use this remark once more if the relationship is a complete disaster. He might even claim to have forewarned you.
You’ll never know the reason behind his warning.
This, I believe, is the aspect of this specific phrase that irritates me the most. Though you might want to, it’s not a good idea to try to persuade him that this relationship is the correct one for you. You have no idea what he is getting at.
You might assume that he has low self-esteem, which is one of the main ways that women persuade men that they are wonderful when they say this, but it could also be a sign that he is a sociopath. Perhaps he is aware that he will abuse or defraud someone. It wouldn’t be a good idea to hang around and find out because there are so many things this may be a warning for.
My Personal Take
I remember exactly where I was when he said it. Dimly lit bar, half-empty cocktail in front of me, and that tight, sinking feeling in my stomach. He leaned in, eyes full of something I mistook for regret, and dropped the line: “You deserve better.”
And like an idiot, I smiled. I actually thought it was sweet. I thought it meant he saw my worth. Maybe he was self-sacrificing, noble. A tragic hero stepping aside for my happiness.
No. He was just done.
A few months later, I saw him holding hands with someone else. Someone he apparently didn’t think “deserved better.” That’s when it hit me—this line isn’t always about you. It’s about them. Their doubts. Their issues. And their unwillingness to invest.
That night, I swore I’d never let a vague excuse cloud my judgment again. I stopped overanalyzing and started getting real, practical advice—because let’s be honest, friends mean well, but they don’t always have the answers.
That’s why I recommend Relationship Hero—the fastest way to get expert relationship coaching without the price tag of traditional therapy. Their coaches are empathetic, no-BS, and actually help you move forward—no overthinking required.
You may like: Not sure what relationship you’re looking for? Here’s how astrology can help
FAQs
How do you react when someone says, “You deserve better?”
You want to proclaim his perfection and your desire for him. Don’t. Ask him why he feels that way instead. He can make an effort to compliment you but fail as the topic shifts to him. This will enable you to comprehend his point of view and obtain the truth that you are due.
When a man says, “I don’t deserve you,” what does it mean?
He believes he is terrible for a variety of reasons. He might not have a wonderful job or a well-organized life. Then, he might believe you deserve better if you have low self-esteem. If they know they are going to destroy a girl’s heart, cheaters might say this to her. He has a few problems. Simply accept it and move on.
Why does a guy say you can perform better?
This is equivalent to a boy telling you that you deserve better. He claims there are better guys out there for you and that you deserve better. He could not have time to spend with you. Then, he could not think he looks great or be aware of problems he has that might make a relationship sour.
Why do men claim that you are too good for them?
Since they believe you are fantastic and they do not, for whatever reason. Additionally, he lacks the willingness to invest the time and energy necessary to repair certain aspects of himself. He believes that you deserve greater than he can provide for you and is unwilling to live up to your expectations. He prefers that you leave instead.
What exactly does it mean to be deserved?
When someone feels they deserve someone, it suggests they believe they fit a particular profile and should be with that person as a result. People who say this typically have positive self-esteem.
They believe they are deserving of certain things, such as respect and honesty from others.
Final words
You ought to pay attention to him when he asserts that you deserve better. But it doesn’t always work out like that. How would you react in this circumstance?
You think about him all the time, but he thinks only about himself?
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.
He needs to be understood in his own way.
You’ll find there’s a subtle thing you can say to him that will dramatically change how he shows his emotions towards you once you do that.
Learn how to become his top priority in this free video by Relationship Psychologist James Bauer.
